mouse song

I leave

2007-12-28T14:27:00.000-08:00

No more from this site.

Influences...

2007-12-27T12:12:00.000-08:00

...are good for you. I´m healing some people who do not believe it. Indeed, they consume a lot, and, drink, and, they don´t think about who it is they are consuming, in terms of influence. For goodness sake: eat with love. Consider who raised the food. Who it is you cheated, by purchasing something made in countries that abuse the people. And, if you eat meat, consider if it was raised in a humane way. Or, you will suffer. One way all of us suffer is from cattle. They are all very much in pain. This is wrong, as, we consider ourselves civilized - but cattle do not agree. Think of how we contribute to pollution, as well as erosion, and, fouling the whole Earth because we like steak. I know, still many more of us don´t eat meat often - buit they would like to. If we raised grain instead of protein on the hoof, we wouldn´t have a very unhappy America. Therefore, I urge all to work for change - it needs to come.

But you must know this. We simply must repeat the message. If you do eat meat, ask to help animal...and you will. We are more than you know. Aski8ng also is a deep think - ask to ask in heart. In heart, we hear you. Also, as to drugs, work with farmers - for, they wish they could raise food, often, but are paid to raise heroin and cocaine. It´s corruption.

Legalize it. This way, children will eat. But, it may be, too late now. Still - aim high. Or, just do wish for a world of justice. And also, remember that corruption is totally understandable - people say, I can´t help you - that is how it starts. And, that is real. Too, many kinds of redemption are possible. Best is effort to help the victims of injustice and, we do mean it. Influences can mean, those who say, "Here´s how much I love you", and, give money.

It´s not necessary to give money to friends and family - unless you want to...and most do.

But, corruption is really saying then, you are worthy, and, really, we must earn our worthiness for money, so, reward is a good way to help others - not a handout, not for anyone.

Except very young kids, because all of us want them to feel loved, and, money is love. Do remember that! It is not so, it is the root of all evil. Poverty is. Asking for love is also very sad and, really, not necessary.

But we do feel love is asking us to care a lot for others. So do give money to others, in a very basic way: tithe your money. And, enough sermon.

- from a preacher, who was a famous man (a Special Guest)

mouse says

2007-12-14T08:59:00.000-08:00

Got to go, wish you were here. Please do know, all is well. And, please - don´t despair of people. It´s just a real, real nasty hell, this world - it doesn´t mean, God doesn´t exist, don´t you worry. Just, we have to ask the hell to heal in a nice way, and that means, ask to heal those assholes too - if they heal, then...we´re almost home. So please, be nice to those assholes, they need your prayers.

love, mouse - as one with the enemy.

continuing last missive

2007-12-06T10:49:00.000-08:00

...But will this end? I said. read on below...

Please know, it may, that does mean, we are working at helping all to heal by healing consciousness, that fear be a way of helping, as it is able to tell us who work in soul in grace and guided by grace what is the real desire of a people, and that is, life. It is desire that helps. We ask it to go into grace. It is our wish and our prayer and, if we are conscious and not in a trance, or denial. (As Buddhist can be, or, addicts - or, sometimes, corrupt souls). Then, we can feel the longing for a world of love and happiness and, we will heal as best we can, if there is the will.

The will of this world though is to end. Planet says, I cannot go on, it´s pain that is so great, people hurt so much (and people are also other than human) that I am willing to let them die. And, I need help.

It is Earth´s ambition to have a healing that is nuclear, but not a bombfest. That means, we who are called ´us´ (or, loves, or angels) in mousesong and Antoinette´s other writings do help very much as we work in body. We heal atom. do know, other angels are able to heal, and are matter, for energy is matter. It´s only a matter of what is really needed - and, it is real - alien energy helps us. But we need to know, we are they too. It´s a world of healing, this universe, and, we are needing many kinds of peoples to help Earth avoid nuclear hell. And, it is very likely we can avoid the very worst...but, it does require that a message be clear: it´s a very likely thing, hell in a body that must be born. As, many people (including animal, yes, even plant being) continue to grow. Do know - you cannot avoid it. And, people love their favorites. Work for all as much as you wish to help your favorites.

Ask to love all. Including, yes - enemy. And it is said, it is not your enemy who hurts you, it´s your friends. Realize - people are hating love. It is frightening to know, he or she whom I adored is not only good. And so, pray for Grace. It is a reality, you will understand all the reasons so and so did what they did, in a world that is healed. And, in that healing will come great joy - for, we will forget the worst, and it is in an instant this happens, and pain will heal (especially in heart) for, this healing is now. As well as after body´s death. And, more and more, we are able to help - so, the more you ask to heal, and, yes, understand, and forgive (for, understanding brings forgiveness, and maybe, only understanding all brings true love, and you´ve already got it, on many levels) the more you can help (and bring healing to) all others.

Love, Us

p.s. Love from us (and mouse was here too. But mostly, really, it´s angels. We by the way are those who were in greatest pain. True. love, Us) (And, it is so - we are all devils, still. And devil healed is a very powerful angel. Pray for the enemy. Kisses, Us x mouse adds Things are able to pessess. don´t hate but, ask to help them, as they are able to take people in you too to hell or Heaven. Best to be judged in Heaven. Best, or...? No...it´s been too much of that. Let´s have a New Deal. Love, mouse xox)

Rubbish

2007-12-05T09:31:00.000-08:00

...is a word for trash
we threw it out
it is furious
it is enemy,
but, do realize, is is somthing many people want to get into balance. And, we who are controlled by few [including ego who many are] do not always say, pray for the trash. Let's say it more.

Also, it seems unbelitevable all the hell in earth and in water, ari, even in fire, and spirit too, can get better. But, it does, all the time. As, atom is able to heal...as, we who are travellers from a real world that is healed bring through the pain and, it is injured atom. So, the whole world will heal, as, it is a Heaven we bring all people ...dash puncuation missing, from now on using a ... those in pain,m who are matter [we are all matter] into our Heaven...and, we all have our own. Thing is, all is hurting very much. And, hurting others, in worlds of soul we are healing...and, in bodies that are much denser, there is heurt as well, as, we are in a healing world, and, it needs ending. As in, not anymore life as you know it. Death is a stage of passing into a world of soul. It is Not over. Body will get better. It is not allowed at this point to let other enemy to have hurt that exceeds our own. So, we work, in a healed space to help us all. For this to be, we travel. And we are you! So, 'enemy' is often doing the will of us all, ending this place. Do ask [even beg] to help us, and do know, you will help if you want to. It makes you happy, and, it's almost always the best to wish and hope in a peaceful way, not so. It helps to yearn, and we feel that. So, know...enemy is aying, I am dying to hurt you, and I wish that you would stop attacking! It's possible, that a world that is Arab heals us well. So do believe, it may be the best to honor them. And, yet, a religion is hardly ever able to help unless we are able to ask to care for all, even terrorists, even the enemy that says, I like only my own. And I want all of you to do what I say. For, we are aware they are acting in order to heal their own, often animal.

And so animal is saying, help us. Give us help. Pray and wish and send money to stop the hell of animal, especially food animal for us called human. It is hating and it is saying, I will get you. If we are able to heal heart and soul of animal, and also soul of animal, and also that called genetically modified [for it is not very nice], then we are much more able to help men and women and children in the after life. And, they judge you...are you helping us [question mark] or, are you abusing us [question mark] Do ask them to heal and to see Reality, for, we are they, and, hurting us as they were hurting in afterlife [for instance] wont heal them, theyare only going to find that they are left without a way to heal without a long time because, nuclear destruction is much, much nastier an end to this world on Earth than disease. Or even, starvation. Or is we're lucky, a heat wave creating enormous weather shift. For, even though nuclear hell is, and will in time destroy much that remains in planet [for, who will 'get rid' of that nuclear materieal ...bomb, people injured in body, essence hurt, and even the wonderful energy factories helping in a little way called 'plant', or even the plant world that may survive us, and who will put out the radioactive world, if we are not able in soul to get to Heaven?] It is us who are able to healit, as we are now.

But will this end?

[end for now. I have to catch a us. more anon]

Prayer

2007-12-03T09:00:00.000-08:00

Love us and help us please, we who are evolving...but don´t know how to continue with love. Pain is so very great now, there is so much hell, and fear runs in most people as as very nasty unconscious force - we don´t know how to cope with hell all around us, then, we are overrun and, love is lessened, and we ask rescue. How may we help? Please heal those in pain and in fear and those on paths that hurt others, even if it´s not a meant happening. Please help, who can help us help help help. Help, and do know it´s a prayer. Help. How, ask? Say please and they´ll help you - those who say, respect us. We do help. And thank us. It´s not Jesus, and, we are needing you to help enemy heal, and, he is often used and needs help to heal. Love, a lot of people. Help a helping force and ask to heal all (and please say please, as to equals. Love, Us) xox

I am going to live, at Least a year. Full stop.

2007-11-26T10:29:00.000-08:00

And, I really fought for that. I mean it, it´s not easy to tell anyone (even you, Gov) that I want to continue my life, but, even mouse says, I will write on. It´s not the end.

So joy, I´m really glad I was able to work that out.

A hell is ended, it´s great when it is a significant hell that ends, and, I feel free and happy, able to face my next move - and that means, joy, I won´t hurt my family, yet, I´m stronger and abler to work in this world. And that´s before I even get to yogaville!

I leave in a few minutes. God, that Irish drunken fireman I´m travelling with, and the hotel surfer dude keeper for company - aiyayai.

Problems so severe, drama so intense, the crackhead actually is locking the doors, and Happy Daze cabinaz is no more. Adios. Golfito, you are interesting.

But I like the woods... and they like me. I don´t need this cocaine powder all that often...but boy, can I use it, when I do. Man. Whoopee! I will live. And not regret. And that´s the best part - I am called and I know, I was called there till this healing. So don´t judge it, baby! Lest it judge you back, and boy - it packs a wallop.

x (mouse assisted) x (and company) x

how love? please answer, ask

2007-11-22T14:41:00.000-08:00

It's hard to know how to 'love oneself', something that New Age gurus say one must. I used to write over and over, in a fit of despair from breakup with woman I loved back in the Navy, a la Louise Hays, 'I love myself'. It was what she asked (or, told) me to do, in order to get better.

It did help. However, so much of us says, that's so insane. Fuck you. Or rather, no, never you again, nor anyone like you, I hate your guts. And I hate me. No, I'm fine. Aargh. Fuck hell no way anyway, I'm leaving. And we go off, to fight the war. It's not easy, finding our essence. And we lose energy. Sometimes, one is tired from just travelling, it's also very exhausting. Not only just in body, I mean. Though that I am sick off, I don't get the thrill, I dread it - till I arrive and settle down, then I cope, even have fun.

How love myself? I channelled. Oh not again, I thought. Answer - ask. And I know to say please, now. And, answer will come. But one must pay attention - it makes it easier. Also, it does work. And why? Why love oneself? Because without us, we cannot evolve. We are all so necessary, and God's work is to teach us to love. And yes, we can love without loving ourselves - but as I used to say, it will kill you. I am not happy to write this. It's been a horrible day. It is now time to call that taxi. And knowing what I know, unable seemingly to teach what I really think worth communicating, how love myself? Ask. I ask, please answer. I ask to ask. I ask please for me jaded and tired and feeling sick to ask, please. And I ask for help. And help for others, all even. Please. I really need more help, writing, too. Ow. Anyway, anyone out there wondering, what on Earth is she talking about?

Earth. How to get better. love, me (mouse is standing by. And thanks for that, I need to know it sometimes. She says she needs me. I could faint.) love mouse too x time for turkey. (don't forget to thank him.) please forgive me this is a awful post I'm very sad today. This is my penultimate post.

Regret

2007-11-21T14:16:00.000-08:00

Regret is lack of faith. I've come to understand this. I'm not sure I get it fully, but, I know that we can make up for all the pain we cause, if we ask to. And I know, others can hold us to making up for pain we cause them. I believe it consciously now that all do their best. I did not recognize this, though I channelled it before. I'm realizing that if I hold a grudge, or think I could have done other than I did and also, that others could have done better, not just me, then, I lack faith. And faith is knowledge. Also, it's born of experience, and I know, prayer works - if it is for all. love, A (p.s. mouse advised)

Happy Thanksgiving! : - ) (don't forget to thank the turkey)

I'm here again

2007-11-15T12:53:00.000-08:00

Yes! I'm here. I'm laughing, but, it's not easy...what a mess. Oh boy, would I like to get out of here! Oh my, wouldn't that be nice... some people, they think Only about their own vision of what is. It's important to ask to know what it is, this thing, called real. I think. Anyhow, here goes, a prayer I wrote... the other day:

How To Be

How may I be?
I wish to know
I was assigned a prayer
It is now I write it
I wish to be
helpful
As much as possible
It is not easy to know,
have I been?
Can I turn what I am
to the good?

Intent is all
Love, mouse (& co)

I am alone again

2007-11-07T20:35:00.000-08:00

It's nice. Further down the road I'll meet another friend, Robear. But now, me - as my buddy Phoebe is obviously getting over the joy of seeing me, and maybe she's just tired but I'd looked forward to hanging out tonight, and really, what a shame. People like to do what they like to do. I like to do what I like, not just help other people - and I guess, she spends so much time helping other people she doesn't understand, I never get to have a drink with a friend, and, I miss that. Oh well. I will write her and tell her.

Now is very sad time as I'm really hurting about the stuff I experienced in her classes, such as, we sell arms to both sides then blame both sides. Obviously, government is in on this. Somehow I thought they weren't. But they are. And also, got to face it - animals are in great pain, and 63 billion farm animals a year are killed in vile ways, and it ain't nice. I can't take it, I'll go vegan. I just learned I pronounced that wrong. I sound like I'm from another planet, Vega. Or is that a galaxy.

I feel a bit tired and sad and hurt, all silly as, it is not really what I think - it's exhaustion on my part too, only I just drove my new car home, and that was quite nice. I'm tired of this poor computer, Mac that it be, of Phoebe's. She's asleep so I'll go pass out too. Sadness. Oh well. Had to catch up with me. Is more than I think. Is body deeply unhappy with the accumulated pain of animal horror within it, and I've been in denial. I am not interested in being 'vegan' because of health, but morality is something else. It's disgusting, factory farming. We are disgusting. The pain has to stop. It's about time we did something to stop it, sooner rather than later - so keep on smoking, drinking - no. Drive. Fly. Cook up some coal. And have a nice day.

Don't bomb Iran. mouse and Co. x p.s. love that steak. It's a beginning. There is more. Soon.

despair and recovery

2007-11-03T20:21:00.000-07:00

I was down today. I was so low. I woke in pain, and thought of death. I got up, better. So much better. I decided, I'm not meant to die. It was very much a decision that came with one thing - a long inhalation of a smoke, yes. I got up, and I was well - after I smoked. It was then an old friend and then my brother spoke to me, in my body, in a rare full-body channel. I decided then, as they were in the peace, I would not die. Thank goodness. Later it got bad again. Control trips, I called it. But he's okay. Talked and we're allright. Thank God. love, Antoinette (as one with mouse it's still okay. love me mouse)

And (from us) more on hell. There is this - a book. How can I say, I can work to heal? I ask to. Then I do. And I know, many don't ask. So that's it. No, we all try. But consciously? That's the change. That's what I want to affect. I want people to ask to heal. And then it all gets much faster. And so much easier. Love, Us.

p.s. don't overworry anyone who reads. I write because I feel I must. I don't know who anyone is. No one in family reads. Not yet. love, A plus m xox

Friendliness

2007-10-28T15:23:00.000-07:00

I am aware of people in funny ways. One is when I am with them, talking to them - my friends whom I know as body, naturally, like anyone else does. Then, there is consciousness of soul. The main thing that differs is, when one is with people in ordinary consciousness, there is an understanding that we are not 'in grace', that goes without saying! Nobody I knows thinks they're in grace. We may be guided by grace. That happens. Usually when one asks - or is just very caring, and we may even occasionally be graceful. Or grateful. And these things do take us closer to God, and we feel happy, and blessed. And I know, it's great just to be really having a nice time, friendly, warm, often, even, singing, and even dancing with friends, even if drunk, and even when we don't really know a lot of people, just a few, and maybe, you talk to strangers, and it's okay. It can be great. And I like it better when I'm with people I really love, and I'm just getting to know a bunch of new people, friends of old friends - here in York - and, it's a real treat. I feel there's neighborhood, hippy people, counter culture, the sort of people who I think are real. I like them, and I'm happy they seem to like me. It's easy to talk, people enjoy the talk, and we laugh. It's great. I'm happy too to see people I've not seen in years. And, many of them don't remember that I was very, very crazy, but then some do. No longer using speed, I'm a bit different. Also, much more confident, and happier. Indeed, I'm more myself. So that's more in grace. And yet, it's quite possible to be one with many, or, sharing space with people, in grace. That space is consciousness. If it's Not in grace, it's hell. Therefore, there is no choice - you can decide, I'm going to suffer, or, you can say, I'm going to heal. To me it's not a choice. I will it, I am sure I will do my best, as I've gone the other way and it was terrible. So, moral choices are always about what is the greater good, for that's always my good. It's very easy to decide things when this is one's compass. And, it leads to more grace. And that's greater happiness. In addition, those I hang out with are getting happier. I mean, not just a number of my cool new friends (and old friends, some of whom are very wise and kind and I am blessed and really honored to have them number me as a friend) but, the spirits I hang out with. I find, things are going to be okay. It's getting more and more sure. There are those who say, oh my god...and I am one. But holy shit, these are happy times. In my life, anyway. I was down, last night, got overwhelmed by being out late and talking to some who I'd rather not have indulged. And, it didn't matter I didn't dance - I did the other night. But, my morning feeling? Depression. Sad. Lost my joy. Too much drink. It is quite possible I will really regret writing this but, I am sure I am doing the right thing - therefore I won't regret long. I must go to Costa Rica and consider moving there. It is very much a beautiful idea. Still, Franciscan life attracts. So, I'm not sure. Maybe, I can't help myself, I'll adore it, and want to stay. But it could be hell. I mean, giving up coffee. I really don't know if I can give up cigarettes. So, if you're a hard-working spy, reading this and making a note in your little book of insurgents, and you're jealous, because I'm travelling at government expense to paradise, don't be jealous. It's vegan.

angriness

2007-10-27T20:43:00.000-07:00

I went out last night. I just came home. It's almost five. I am tired, tired of smoking too, and still unhappy, though I had a wonderful night, that I didn't have the hash I was given, the night before. Two lots of it, much enjoyed, lost! Put in a matchbox, and then, gone. Other was in a pocket. Holy mackerel. Well, good night. But I don't feel it. Where am I? Gone...gone to a world called, sleep. Been polite for a while, enthusiastic, giving. Being happy. But it's not important to me. To me, what counts is being very into something, and feeling all is well. And very much, it's clear to me, all was not quite well, not at the level I had anticipated, when I went out for the evening. It was okay. In some ways, wonderful. But I wanted the control, to pull out my hash, have it with me - when we wanted a joint, in town, especially. And it was gone. I'm not supposed to have more than one more joint before I go, I read. It's not visceral. I don't feel that. I know it's true, but really, I have drunk so very much cider and beer, I'm not really in touch. I'm tired, I'm not so happy. My real happiness is in my thoughts, that's my reality. Unless I'm dancing, or singing, with friends. Just talking, well, I can handle it, getting to know people. Better stay friends, though. Or I'll hurt. And I opened to people. I like these people. Dear friend has an admirer. Staying in same house with her as she is staying in, and, I like her friend whose house it is. Very wonderful, if only, I could just enjoy the vibe of friendship. But I'm tired. I want to go to sleep. And I'm lonely. Does that make sense?

I hurt, but not much. Mostly from smoking - raw throat. Home, cheese with bread, cleaned kitchen. Now, bed. Maybe read. But it's late. Almost dawn. I really wish I could say, I like being with people. I do, but more and more, I like this feeling of alone - and happy.

Promises

2007-10-24T05:46:00.000-07:00

I love promises. That's not exactly true. Make me a promise, I love you. But reality is, I'm not very good about promises. I've learned one thing - I break promises. But one is really important - to my godson. (and I am mouse, one with A, I didn't lie). My boy is angry still that I smoke. He is African - Dutch, so he has some of the old-fashioned despising of any woman who likes a cigarette - his father, I think, says to him, that's horrible. Awful. And worse. And, his mother tells me, in Africa, if you smoke we think you are like prostitute. And that's not good. However, I'm free! I was raised to believe I was as free as a man. No, that's not true. School taught me that. I thought we were the same, almost, in psychology, despite attraction to different sexes. It was that era, very woman's lib. But, my parents are elderly, of another generation - my mother is a free thinker, feminist, my father loves women and respects them. He sure didn't respect me. I was a resister. But I cared too much. I was a mess. And I still am. So! I'm going to Costa Rica. Pura Vida. Time to do some yoga, and clear out my colon. (That's a joke. The colon is the money. But I'll clear that out too, if you give me a chance...I love to spend.) So, yeah...got to work for this kind of life, it ain't easy. I'll talk about it in my book. How to make the government work for you. : - ) I am frightened by the way I'm writing. I realize, I'm very tired - been channelling. I'm exhausted. Reality is, I have a long way to go. If I stay up all night, I channel a lot. And it's amazing the games I find. Subconscious shit. I clear it out. So, it's all about, well, getting clean, or shall we say, cleaning up. If you want to come clean, that's up to you. Life goes on. You got to live with it. And you know what, it's not necessary. Reality is, in Heaven, we learn it all. We can't learn the truth at this level. That doesn't mean we can't really do good work - and get what we need. We get Truth, and that's better. But, your bank details? You know what, I really don't care. And the reality is, that's makes me much more likely to be able to suss them, than any psychic spy. The reality is, government does use agents, and they're not just reading your email. They fuck you up. If you let them! I try to do the right thing - I tell them something I can do for them - and it's not a dirty joke. I do say it, come on, tell me - what is it you want, more than anything? And the reality is, they want to forget. And, forgive? If they can get over the hell, then...but in that case, you'd have to make it up to me. And, in the place I send them, they can. People heal. It does take time. I found a friend today.

frankly

2007-10-19T17:00:00.000-07:00

I love myself. This is real. Therefore, I get very upset when people get very nasty in my world. I like a nice world. But you know, it's very very upsetting to many people to recognize, jeez...she's nuts. Oh my God! Is it possible? Of course. Yes, dear. But frankly, ...

I am sick of this shit. Putin is an asshole. So is the Iranian prez. And Bush is naturally a great big asshole. It's very scary. (Also, I'm mouse as one with many, by the way. We all agree. So don't give me shit.) Also, it's frightening to me that many people, among them, me, do not really understand how very close we are to war. I write this stuff, and look at it. I am amazed. I ask myself, is this true? And I sense, and I feel, and I read, psychically, yes. But, in my feelings, in my head, do I continue to work on the problem? Yes and no. I tend to get riled up about little things, work on that issue in my life, and then, go back to the big stuff, get side-tracked, get very injured by little things that others do, go back to bed. I'm very lucky, I don't work - that is, my work involves the big issues like archetypal stuff, things that affect all of us. And here I am, bitching. What does it mean? Why I can't I just, well, think about stuff like, what shall I have for lunch? Like most people. Truth is, I'm not interested.

I'm really interested in people who don't care. That's why. I want them to care. And my theory is, they hurt too much. And this is the link - we need to end it all, because people hurt too much. Insane, numb, dumb, stupid even, evil, suffering, mad at each other, bitching - and fed up with people who talk nonsense, we are just on the brink of war, and - what do we do?

I think it's time someone wrote to the paper.

the enemy says

2007-10-18T17:59:00.000-07:00

that there's nothing to be done. It's all horseshit. And, in a way, they are right - we are all going to die. And it won't be easy - realizing, it continues. And, now I have to face it. And why do I go on like this? Well, I keep being reminded. I see these idiots blaming one another, saying, wait a minute, you aren't a good man. You don't get to win nothin'. And it's horseshit. Because, the most important thing is, we begin to realize - we're all going to die. And it's too late. And we should get ready. Now, what are we going to do? Are we going to bicker? Or, are we going to try to take care of one another? I think, we're going to bicker. We're going to fight. And a lot of rich people are going to say, oh no you don't. And barricade us out. Well, I'm going to the woods. I'm going to think pretty hard about it, but, I think already I know, I'm going to the woods. I'm going to live on a little while, but, if it gets real hairy, I may take my life...be crazy not to. And, all over the world, people are simply slaving away, making shit for Americans and Europeans in particular to consume. And the truth is, they don't even consume it - they trash almost all of it. So what's the point? Well, my point is, we are in deep, deep shit. We have a tremendous number of people hating us, and if you think this is funny, I feel sorry for you. I am not crazy, I am not even worried about going crazy. I know very well how to take my life, having tried a number of ways that Don't work, and yet, caring very much for my life, and my poor old body. Well I found some good ways. Now, what about you? If you're smart, you'll lay in some diamorphine. Just in case. As, when the bombs go off, and they probably will, we will suffer. That's just how it is. And if you're smart, you'll go quick - and help your family. And you know what, it's getting close. Closer and closer to that wonderful day, say the fucking idiot Christian Zionists, I believe they're called, when we all go to hell. And they are right - in part, we may go to heaven - but, that's at epicenter. And just part of us - the rest is strewn atomically and rent. And that's real. So my question is - do you think you deserve anything? Or, are we going to bicker? For, I see in my heart a lot, and one thing I see, people get better. Not all of them. Not by a long shot. And some of them are responsible for vast amounts of pain. And they get better. And you better hope so. Think about it. I hope so. For all our sakes. And, please think hard about what you really want, because, we all are going to get better. It's a question of time. And, how we get better depends on whether the assholes improve. And maybe, maybe? Condoleeza really does want a Palestinian state. I hope so! - mouse x

happy sad too but more happy

2007-10-12T04:21:00.000-07:00

Very pleased to congratulate Mr Gore on his Peace prize. I wish also to tell a story about him. There is a brave man who is angry. He is learning how angry he is. It is most important for us to recognize anger in ourselves. Also, it is vital to ask to forgive - not simply to assert our forgiveness, or, the danger is, we will simply leave, and destroy in others. It is a great truth. There is soul. Naturally, it is wonderful to wish to forgive. But it is not enough to claim that one does, altogether. We are not able to forgive without God. We need to know others will indeed learn their lesson, and in turn, forgive - and that does mean, themselves as well, and we need them to make it up to all of us, those who destroy. Unconditional forgiveness? It's stupid. And it's a lie. For in this world, we are conditional. And one condition is goodness. Our own goodness. And we do mean, health. Take it away, whether because you wish for the greater good or because you must, and, you are not exempt from the necessity to make it up to those who suffer, because of you. Bombing happens. Bless the bombs. They too are part of God. As well as the sick soldiers who fought for you and me and all of us, or, took the money and shot out our hearts. Be strong enough to be humble. And be wise enough to know the greater good. For indeed it is not easy, faced with truth, to know what to do - so ask, deeply, and also say, I have to sacrifice my son. This is the truth of Isaac, and recall - it didn't happen. But it was willingness for the greater good that said to Abraham, would you? If it came to that? Do what is right for us all, and say, I ask to do what is best, not because I do not love, but because God is Goodness, and I am called. Love, mouse xoxoxox p.s. there are many of us who are called. But there are few who say, I hear you. Be good and forgive me. I am called too. Also, I have family. love, me x please know I added that p.s. mousewoman & mouse too x peace be with you love as well and it is one thing prize well deserved xoxoxoxox

p.s. the Nazi gold

2007-10-10T09:07:00.000-07:00

You say I think that the US took the Nazi gold. No, I said, you took the Jew's gold. It's the same. Proud I am of US? Yes. Because, we're going to pay for it.

oh yes? I'm listening to you

so think about it before you curse me again

mouse x

the gauntlet

2007-10-10T07:28:00.000-07:00

Please do your best. Don't shoot the messenger. It's obvious you hate me now, you assholes. I thought you were decent people, fucking Democrats. Fuck you.

Is that what you want me to say, you evil people? The world is waiting. Are we going to suffer for, uh, let's see, how many eons you fuckheads, or, will you rise above your tremendous egos and pray to God in Heaven to help you do the right thing, and do your very best to force the issues on to the table, and Deal. You are being really screwed over, and it's very clear. However, from what I can see you're screwing yourselves - and the whole gosh darn planet as well, because you cannot rise to the occasion and say, 'You're right. Go to hell, Israel. On this one, you are wrong. So take me out. I need a vacation anyway...' And go to Congress, and lobby like hell for the people, because we hired you motherfucker, and we can fire you in an instant, in this world and in the next. And you know what, if you fucking manage to invade and bomb Iran, you invite terrorism to my country and you know what, with the mafia dealing in nuclear waste no shit they got the bomb - and for that crime alone, you would be the last one I would try to get out of the fire. No matter who the heck you ladida think you be, Queen B or CouldaBean or even Liebermean himself, you are just another fucking coward who sold us all down the river, you scum. "How dare I"?!! How dare You! Hell to you, damn you, any of you foreign operators, you sold us out, you hide the truth, you hypocrite lying scum, you are worth nothing unless you work like hell, if it be just for your poor fool families, not to let the 'men' in the Pentagon dress this one up and sell it as a CNN Saturday night special. I swear upon my heart, I am not lying to you, this is the big one, now stop it before it starts.

We dare you. Do the right thing and cross the line please. So the fuck what if so and so knows, the world should know, blow the whole thing open and tell the people, yes we took their gold. For God's sake, it's time we came clean. And you know what, your kids might grow up. And your grandkids. And your hell may heal before you die. And that's a promise. mouse and co.

I say good bye, I lose sleep and I lose more friends over this issue, it's very sad, but it's time to say good bye. I won't post again, mouse will post alone. Bye from us too, we're going to vomit you politicians are so cowardly it's sickening and it reeks of vermin, how dare you, they say? you are not our equal yet, unless you stand up and say what you really think because, we know you really think, oh my God it's so scary. What if...oh my God! And, you call yourself a Christian. How dare you. I tell you what, at least I know how I dare You.

We wait and hope. And if you are so craven you cannot stand anymore for what you believe in, then, may Allah's people shame us with their mercy, for you savages, you idolators, you prostitutes of the pork barrel have no shame, nor mercy, and soon will have nothing at all but pain. Antoinette x

alone

2007-10-09T20:40:00.000-07:00

Been alone a lot, and do enjoy it. Been on my own too, and no one seems to know, it's real - we are all dependent, and still, the feeling is, independent is necessary.

I like accepting help, and can. I learned how. Also feel grateful. Need to express that more. Now, finding how hard it is, realizing that I'm not seen much, though I feel I impose a great deal. I hurt my family tonight. I had to. I'm tired of hurting, being hurt I mean. Anger is now necessary, and it passes, with resolution. No more allowing help, not any way.

Resentment is there, it is so clear. My brothers do find a way to show it, because I know, they work very hard. And still, when the gain of work is simply money and what it buys, for one's own selfish interest, then, angriness ensues, for it does not satisfy the soul, who was sold. And that soul attacks. As, I'm happy - in a deep and real way, which does comfort me.

But late at night, morning even almost dawn, I feel bad, typing on Mother's computer, as family is disturbed, knowing a daughter is up late, up when she 'should' be asleep. I have to go. I don't want to go on like this, causing stupid upset, but they won't change, and it's not necessary. I need to change. I do change. And I still yearn to get through to them, and so I talk, but, they do not understand, I want them to care and like me and it's not happening. At least, not in the everyday. Provoking argument, because I have some very angry things to say about the world, they come through and care more, but it hurts. It's as if they must hurt deeply in order to be present. In words on paper on online they are more real. Maybe I am like that too. I don't want it, though. I am myself alone. I wish I could be myself with others - but, of course I am; only, they are not in body. Soul I can be, know me to be, know others to be, but personality? Mine is rough. Too rough. I should be alone more.

Sadness speaks in a very sad fashion, writing in a sad way alone. Sad. I suppose you agree. In our world, people don't type to the open world unless they publish and are paid. That is not true. I know I have readers, but, really, I write to a heart that says, I understand that - some of it, anyway - tonight. This morning. I hope to say something interesting for a world that is in danger, too, I guess. I think I should. Okay, here goes: mouse? please? will you speak?

Please she says. Yes please...we are healing deep pain but, time is necessary for personal attention and, it's necessary to deeply heal rifts in life that prevent appreciation for other issues. Happy is not quite right as a higher power - this is true, if by 'happy' we mean 'I' as in just me. And, yet, as 'happiness' is a reason for many to be, it does manage to be a higher power. Only, if you don't know how to be happy, there is a problem. As well, if you cannot seek happiness with success, then, maybe, you might profit from the real truth - love is a way. And, it is painful to hear that for most. Pain ensues from love but, only more love will heal a love one is hurt by. It just gets to heal. Or, without a love that is greater than the past love, it hurts on. And, as God is love, it is necessary to attend to hurt - for, it hates love. Best then for love to be in Grace. As Grace heals and is all that heals, in reality - but, how have that happen? Ask. Please - ask. love, mouse x we'll help you find the answer love, Us xox

Beginnings! I love them, but... I don't want to scare anyone

2007-10-09T04:20:00.000-07:00

...if it isn't necessary. Don't be paranoid. I'm not psychotic. I have fought a long time, and, I know there are people who manipulate consciousness. It is bad for you. It is even very, very bad for you. Best to ask, and say please, to 'subconscious'. And, if you are one who 'astral projects', notice, 'project' is a big word. Yes, it's to explore. It is bad to use it to manipulate or to destroy. And, this is very important, I meant it - we'll get you. 'We' in this sentence are people who channel in. A is channelling. Recall this. However! She is not an 'astral projector', consciously. This is intentional. We develop other forms of awareness in this person whom you are listening to. And, she is very happy, and simply experiencing remnant of splitting headache from a friend who hit her, while she was sleeping. He was furious.

He's doing his best to comprehend. What the $£*+%?!! Well, let me tell you about people. We exist on many levels, and, in some levels (as a manner of speaking) we are decent people. All of us. And that's nice. And, this is real, you even like your enemy, in this world. And it's in time - not only in Heaven. (or, Paradise. Or, the Heartland. Or, 'the place called Love'.) It is much a gain for us all, to have healed this level. And yet, great danger is in the world. If you attack Iran, there will be huge costs to all. All, meaning, all. We are all connected, yes, and, it will be very hard not to hit back, for those who have been destroyed by nuclear radiation, and this is in many levels - for, not all levels are destroyed - they are made vicious. And they affect us. As well, 'enemy' are able to compassionately understand we are being taken over by parasitic infestations If we are able to stand up and say, Don't Attack Iran. Many do. And, it's not clear if 'many' are enough, for, our military are cowards and are mercenary. And very, very corrupt. And yet, not all, of course. So! What to do? We ask you to put the pressure on the people you know, the ones who say, Let's attack Iran. You do know them. We know you do.

However. It's possible they cannot avoid what they say they must do, because, they are frightened, and it is possible, they are already bought. Well. What to do? We may have to attack Iran. Then what? Prepare for the worst.

I wonder if you recall NSA comment. They are bought. They have whores who astral project, sure. But, it is soul that I experience, and that is made by doing awful things. So - I got them. And, that's real. And, in many levels, I know them - and we are close. I know them, from many years of experience. Don't worry. I am friend.

mousewoman (aka A's soul) xoxoxoxox

Help is here

2007-10-08T18:00:00.000-07:00

Don't worry - I'm not losing it. I'm just talking to you. You're out there - we know it. You're all gazing at your screens, and I believe in spirit. I'll get through to you. You may not know it, but a lot of you is listening. And it likes it. You are okay, you're going to make it. But, your ego may not be very happy, for a very long time. That's if you really, really try, and, that means really try. It's going to be very hard, if you fuckheads attack Iran. It's the most stupid thing anyone could dream up. But maybe it's the plan. Fuck you. It's just dumb fucking dumb? No, it's evil. It's disgusting? Absolutely, fuckhead. And that means, you fucked yourself. In the head, yes. Obviously.

Now then. As for the rest of us, we need to make it through this world, and enjoy some of it, and that means, as much as is good for us. It is not a wonderful, Godly thing to enjoy sadistic bastard behavior. No, that is evil. So don't give me shit. I am quite sure, people think it's just play. No. That is a video. You obviously need some reality. We can create that for you. We take you from your body, sitting by the screen, and we bring you to someone who is being hurt very badly. Your job is to take the pain. Now we are talking.

This is the game I play. It works. You may not know it, but it works. I know it. I don't suffer - not the pain I used to, and partly, it's because I had to get better, too. I like to know what is the best way to work, so, I work as one with many in grace. In consensus, we work out a plan? It doesn't work that way. Oh? Well, we work out a plan with consensus as our aim. Also, if there is consensus before work at all, we'll take it. Do you see?

It's easy. If you play my game. It's not one you need to play consciously. But, if you play one rule - love - then, you will win. All you wish for, or much much more. And yet, you will have to die. The nice thing is, you already knew that. Think about it.

There is more. Let's meet the neighbors. It's not always nice, when you know what you said about them, and they know it too. But! In my game? You don't have to live next to them. First though, you have to understand something - they love you. Now, if you're feeling ill, don't worry. It's a revolting subject. I know. However! It is a necessary subject, just like you. And, as you know, you are love, in reality. It's what we are made from, and are of, and will become. So! Why so disgusting? Well, it's embarrassing. And, people are ick. Yes. We know. But, we evolved you. So we are taking responsibility. Now it's your turn. And now? Who is writing? Just Antoinette. In the Peace. I've been watching all about Bagram. What a disgusting show!

Now - let's create a world - say the shitty asshole devil people who like to fly at night, and molest people - call themselves 'shamans', because they abuse energy and demand to be in places where they are hated, but are sycophantically treated because, did you know? there's a plan. We'll get you. Now. (They are out there you know, they are NSA.) Anyway. As I was saying? Bedtime! love, mouse

people who don't love one another

2007-10-08T15:11:00.000-07:00

...usually say, I am your friend.

However, if you are really somebody's friend, you tell them what you really think. And you say, I like you but...this is what I see.

What we have in the world are people saying, this person is out of his mind. I hate him - he is crazy. But, 'crazy' meaning 'psychotic' generally evokes fear.

In the case of evil, hate is meant because, we see evil being done - not just felt, and, there is great difference between those who feel evil done to them (as in psychotic) and those who perpetrate evil. (Evil being actually intending harm in order for gain that is mostly for oneself.)

In the world, people say, I am not your friend. I want to have something from you. So I smile, and say, I'll try. I'll try to be your friend. But I don't trust you. This is sensible. And yet, when it come to Reality? It's necessary to Know - we are friends. We can reach accord. Therefore, let us try. Only, a man says, no way - I want to do what I want to do.

Now that's not true. Israel wants something. Now what do we do?

What is it with Israel? Do they have That much money? I just don't think so! I think it's blackmail. We dealt with the Nazis. We must have taken the money. And, this is not something we can tell the 'American people'. Is that it? I've wondered for a while now.

Listen, fuckheads. Nazis are running the show.

You want to know why the Iranian president won't beg? He's a man. He may be very nasty, and I think he is. But, he's got pride, and his people refuse to beg Israel. They want for very good reasons to get Israel to leave it alone, and stay put, and say sorry for the disgusting behavior they evince on every turning point - underhanded, revolting people, how could you come to this, you who were once beautiful? You don't forgive, that's why. Maybe? Or, is it, our god is the only god, and we are the best people, chosen above all others? How sick can it be!

It's a mixture. But, I'll tell you one thing. I am not your friend. That's a lie.

tired...I'm tired

2007-10-06T15:52:00.001-07:00

Hello ... angry at me. I am angry, at myself tonight. It's easy to be angry at oneself, but sometimes, I project, first. I take it out on others - usually things. I've got to stop this. The great animist, cursing things that are doing their best, I imagine. In fact, not always - but, certainly, this computer is doing its best. And it is not a very very excellent computer - in fact, it's awful.

It's a good sign that one is tired. It's the body, saying, damn! I cannot cope with this person! I am forced to work, and I want to have a better time. That's what I'm learning. So it curses the world. And really I did not know it. I thought I had a lot to do. I work very hard, using ephedrine, healing very strongly, but, things were getting difficult. More and more problems, attack, vital info not to be found, feeling isolated, in spirit - not even noticing it. Then I watched David Attenborough. And I felt much better. I realize, again, the evil in the world is often 'beast' - mad animal, in soul trying to hurt us. And I am that too. I need to heal me, before I go back to the world. It is not easy. Also, I hurt the computer by working hard, thanking it, then cursing it. I learn this as I write.

Problem - I am a perfectionist. Been one all my life. So hard, to do anything wrong. So I made a specialty of it. And of course damned myself. Have to cope with that, the difficulty of being damaged. Like this computer. I may have damaged it, cleaning files away. But I think it's just shit. (sorry, computer.) Asus is shit.

So! I will take ephedrine once or twice a week, and stick with ordinary energy. Mine is pretty good. There can be a tendency to overuse, when I get happy and strong on the fine energy it gives. But, then I'm tired. Very, very tired. I'm not full of energy, a lot is travelling. That's how it is. I must not push. And, coming down off coffee is going well. Now - some decent herbal stuff, lots of help from that, okay that's good - but I'll avoid it. Going instead for vitamin therapy, and the food I eat is very very good - spinach, raw, in salad with oil and vinegar, salt and pepper. Rice on top. Maybe goat cheese. Walnuts. I can live like that.

And, occasionally, sardines. Who could ask for anything more? Well, me - when I despair, I head for the ice-cream. It's very comforting. Or, I simply eat cookies.

I've tired many spirit. If you read this column, you may have joined me. We work as one, it's good work. But man, are there a lot of evil fuckers out there.

All very well to understand them. And care. But, they must be shot.

I'm very busy. Travelling. It works. They'll die young. So, have good cheer. There is more.

Be happy, it's almost over

2007-10-05T14:50:00.000-07:00

Many enemy think this is a great time. People make money. It's not enough. It is not enough, because so many who are the ones working don't make enough money. This is all? No. Not enough people are having fun. That's what's wrong. It is time we had more fun. So, it is time to end this world. It is nature that is best suited to end our world. For, it is nature we hurt the most. Luckily, there is a chance. Work to be sure that nuclear stuff does not get used in a vile way. That is why I now support Barrack Obama for President, in 2008. (It is also true, Al is probably not going to run. That's the other reason.) Now, let's start voting Obama. Give him money. love, mouse (& Co.) xoxoxoxox

love

2007-10-02T18:23:00.000-07:00

is the only way out. We are one with that which helps us, when we care about all. But, all is much more than we are aware of. So, do not think it is necessarily over, just because you do not know what to do. Sometimes, it is time to stop doing. And thinking. And just try to have a good time. Because, really, we need to rest, and need to play, or, we cannot exist in a way that is capable of continuing in a way we call happy. And the happiness that is required of us is as much as we can handle. And if we are unable to have the happiness available, then, nobody will listen to us. It's not really very convincing to say, this is a better way! If we are unhappy. Because people are very into entertainment. So really, time to laugh sometimes. And simply say, god I need a break. But then, have a break. And relax. And suddenly, it'll get easier. People who are guides will be able to come through and heal you. And people who are saying, I don't know how to cope with you will suddenly feel happy. And those of you who know, it's ghastly, I can't take it, things are so very unhappy that I feel like I might just give up, realize, this is probably good advice. Only, it's not easy to say, I need a break very loudly. Therefore, just take a snooze, and do think about funny things and just say, I am happier suddenly, if you notice you are, and feel a little better about it. Because we have to bring happiness to people, for all are suffering. Most people seem to need entertainment because Americans in particular are full of dead, full of nasty, grasping people who say, I want what you have. Who are suffering, in fact. So it's hard for Americans who don't know the big secret, which is, the only way to be happy at all is to help others, to manage with their lives, except by distracting themselves from what is going on. They are really, really unhappy. And after a while, unhappy people start to hurt other people. They even like to. It's about insanity, evil, pain, and what we do about it. This is going to be a book I will write, and have begun, just the other night. And, it will be a book I require for my friends to read, so don't worry, I'll manage to find you a copy. Because you are my friend. love, mouse x p.s. laugh please, I work hard at this stuff. thank you for making me happy.

Why did she support him, to begin with? it's a good question. I'm wondering too.

2007-09-28T00:06:00.000-07:00

Because he said one thing - I want to have a chance. And he had one. His first question - how much can you send me? was not the right one. His response to $2 was revolting - he was despising me. I have to admit, his rule is for the rich. We need a new deal. I forgive FDR. And, I'm just a human, with a divine part - that is whole, and which is my all, in Reality - only, unlike most of you, I know it. And, she is capable - because of my knowledge, and my faith, and my effort to do what she asks - and to use body to fight for the right. Now, why not do the same? Believe - Jesus was right - we are like him, we are to follow in his footsteps. Not praise him alone. It's not the message. Do you understand? It's time. We are back. It is the resurrection of the dead. Let's rise up and take over. Please. And, if you have no faith, then are you a Christian? Think on it. And there's nothing wrong with admitting, we lost our faith. For, Jesus does not want to help us not all. He's not perfect, too injured. He can help you to be one with your divine essence - but you must love all - or, try your best. That means love the enemy. My love means, teach them - and try it, it's not always easy. Sometimes, best to take them to hell. Then they realize what is required in order to stay alive. It is, to work like hell to get better and help others, for it is a selfish thing, to care. Understand? Don't worry - we're all devils. Heal the devil you are, and, it may mean, take care of body. And that's to me - I need to take care of me. I'm going back to Costa Rica. love, A xoxoxoxox

It's no good - I no longer support Ron Paul (sorry)

2007-09-27T23:53:00.000-07:00

I was wrong. Thinking about it, though is in favor of abolishing the revolting Federal Reserve, and though he is right, Federal Income tax is illegal, and though he understands, the Constitution is eroded almost to oblivion and should be re-instated, and though I do support the right to bear arms in a well-regulated militia - to defend ourselves against rapacious government run away from our control, I do not believe that Ron Paul is right to think this will improve the world - to run for President on this platform. For, he will not succeed, and will simply be shot - or poisoned, like others who have wanted to do away with the Fed. What is needed is to compromise - and to make deals, and deal with the devils. And therefore I return home - let the world fall to pieces, maybe, in 2012, the fools will decide to support the only man who can help America. Al Gore.

I hope that they decide to push him into the race, in this late date. I hope he would accept. However, as it is all fixed, it's important that the money men understand that they cannot manipulate forever - the world is not only theirs, the planet has a say - and they ruined it. Now, for the sake of their disgusting own families, for their children, and for their souls (who will survive into the next world, believe it or not, idiots) may they arrange that the man who can help us best be elected. Or, if they dare, allow the correction of our voting mechanisms to reflect the truth - and trust the electorate, who would vote in Al Gore. Please. For your sakes, if not for ours. Texans, go to hell. There is more. And, you'll see it. Hurry. The world cannot wait. And, we really have to tell you, Ron Paul is a good man. And it doesn't matter if no one will pay for the roads. Who cares? Can you afford a car, two or three years hence? But what matters is that someone be there to distribute evenly what food remains, and, put away the murderous hordes who simply want to take advantage - let it be the worst offenders, is all I ask. Reform FEMA, and let the National Guard have some training. They are revolting. If only it were so. But, since they are too docile, stupid, greedy, and corrupt to revolt against You with US, let them be trained in an efficient and military style, to do the right thing and obey orders. Put someone in charge who is capable. End the stupidity - you will all lose, at this rate. I promise, I'm watching, and - really - I'm one with you. I can take you to hell. mouse x

Big day! I go tomorrow to England ...yippee!

2007-09-24T13:07:00.000-07:00

I miss my family. This will be nice. love, mousewoman x

Delight and misery and getting away from all that shit

2007-09-22T10:10:00.000-07:00

Hello, I'm on my way. Don't worry I have no intention of really annoying anyone I like. It's my intention to work hard to really annoy people I don't like. Then fight. But, that's in soul. We try to be peaceful on Earth. Enough peace in soul - it's all "horse shit" that crap about "the peace of the world hereafter"; that's usually enormous boredom, unless you're in hell. But of course there's more. Thing is, you don't get there till you Fight for justice, and that's getting clear to a lot of very good people. Turn the other cheek my ass. Won't. Turn your own and I'll kick it - hard. That'll teach you. A lot of horse shit, in that Bible - who wrote that shit? Government. Do you get it? Rise up. And kick ass.

Ron Paul

2007-09-19T16:24:00.000-07:00

I am announcing now my support and endorsement of a candidate for the US Presidency in 2008: Ron Paul. Thank you.

love, me x

People like us

2007-09-19T13:31:00.000-07:00

(You can take that any way you like). We are who we are, that is another good thing. And, we intend to continue what we be. But, what are we? We are what you make of us. And that is nice. End for now.

I have to tell you...

2007-09-17T15:00:00.000-07:00

There are many ways. But, it's not nice to find out, you're trying. Poesta seems to be the last person I would expect to wound himself. You really don't have to hate yourself to hurt yourself. And you know, doctor, it might just be, you might want to end yourself without hurting yourself. I used to think this, to a doctor, and he just didn't understand. He was an asshole. I lost my rag. Then again, I was really, really tired of the medical profession. Also, I do not care for dumb motherfuckers. And he thinks he loves himself... well. I really should have compassion. He's just dumb. It's not his fault. However, he really hurt me. I think he was very angry. Because, I insulted him badly. Then, I was nice. But what he didn't know was, I managed to smuggle a lot of speed into his hospital, and I had a nice holiday. This is a story. I am channelling. I didn't know what I would write. And, I'm delighted - for, I have my Veteran's pension, even though he called me addict! Huh. Some addict. I was, 'dependent' on amphetemine. Fuck no I wasn't - I was using it. I was tripping, sure. They had to restrain me with shots and 4 point leather straps and all, but, the nurses were kind, and I don't forget that. I was very angry at the doctor. They understood. And I know, this is a long story - what's the point? I told you! I got my Veteran's pension! I got an extra $150 a month. Wheeeee! And, now, too, in addition, I can get therapy. Aren't you happy? And they will Pay!!! I'm so happy. And, I want to tell you - I owe it all to WWII.

When I was a little girl, I thought my father was wonderful. He was in the Pacific. And, as a lieutenant, he was in command of a sub-chaser. A doctor, they made him, by giving him the medical kit - no training, though, how to use it; gangrene set in when he stitched on thumbs, and he used morphine to put out the pain of burning bodies - ampoules, to put them out. And he still suffers. I think he doesn't sleep, and I'm right. He's tired all the time. But, it is a lot because he is very old, and needs to rest too. All the time. He doesn't get help. I mean, no therapy - never had any, and you know, he needed it. So, goodness knows, I'm grateful for whiskey.

I'm lucky, he was only emotionally violent. That has passed, in a lot of measure. He is kinder, and yet, he is also very less able to concern himself with things of the mind, as he gets very much advanced in his aged memory. It's painful, he doesn't think well. And really, he never did. He is atheist, very into it, thinks the world of reason, and yet - he is mad. Very irrational, full of passion, and really, not clear on what is true in his head. His heart is true. He writes well, from his heart, which reasons. He is wonderful, a very good man. But, in life? No. Angry, silly, and foolish, nasty in little ways, and we see it. And yet, for his dearness, it is forgiven. Still - it's confusing, when you are a child. I hated him, but I also adored him. And, he was able, and considered a good teacher. I have to wonder. For, did I learn? I guess so - but, I had to learn very much the hard way. And, it is what I wanted, but, I would have loved One lesson, one kindly meant intention followed by action, like, this is how you hit a nail. Or, here you are, let me help. That didn't happen. Never. I didn't realize that till just now. And yet, it's easier, I feel my stomach relax, my being is kinder knowing, he couldn't help it - so, someone is helping. It is him, he just knows, I can't help much. But, I can give you money. So he is. I'm grateful. And, I need to say that. Very. And yet, I don't want the bank to have it. Not unless it's ethical. So I guess I did learn. And, he taught me. And yet, how did he teach me? It was his soul. I love him, though I hardly know it, consciously - he comes and goes, I melt when he's there, he is gone and he is mad. (Angry, I mean, in this sentence.) I am understanding that better. I know, have recognized before, I love the man who he was as a young man. That's when I made an appointment, when I decided to be born as his child, if he would let me. But, he left. And, I found it very hard. And what I know, it is me who is so very hard on me, and maybe, less so all the time. I think, in soul, I channelled, was hard on me. It happens. Our own hardness, our own dislike of self, we act against ourselves, it is very hard. I love myself, but - all of me? Yes, I hope - I ask that, and know, if I understand myself, or anyone, really, then, I will love, and not just forgive, but love myself. (Actually, that 'love' ain't really what I want, it's the forgiveness, so I am not anymore victim. But, do I know that love? Actually, in some ways, I do - I just don't like the 'New Age' sound of it, it is usually egotism they mean.) It takes knowing what happened. It also takes going into a space and time other than this ordinary one. It can be 'unconscious', you don't even know - no. You are unconscious, but all changes. And so do you. And you become nicer. Funnier, even. And pleasure is possible. Even in these days.

My father really loves me. I don't even know if he knows it. But I do. I think, he knows it, and it is pain. No. It is him, healing his old hate of me. For, I was horrible. I learn that. And I do love me, for I learn why I was so awful. I think it was whiskey. It was, and it was a lot of whiskey. So, I am recovering.

I also 'hurt myself' in my last life. It was an end, and I'm glad of it. So there, doctor. Anal eyes. That is your name, in my black book. hee hee hee hee heeeee! ; - ) xox from An old soult. I love myself yes indeed... a long time ago, I fell out of the sky...it's true, I was a pilot. And you know what? I was good. And you know what? I was hurt. And you know what else, I realize this - and I am lucky. And I work to help those who don't have a chance here, to heal hell that is in the mind, from war and it's torment and it's torturing people. So: I deserve a little respect. Because, I earned my pension. More than once. I love you all as best I can. And I do ask you to consider this - a possibility: you are in a hell too. But don't know it yet. Stop Torture. Work for Amnesty. And that's for me too, it's time. Till next time, then. Antoinette x

addressing a question

2007-09-12T21:27:00.000-07:00

I address a question, and it goes, "how is it...?" If, by chance, I do not listen to the answer, then I will not hear it. I may be so used to asking a question, and not listening, that I do not even attempt to listen. Then the question is not right. It is indeed 'taking the Lord's name in vain'. It is rhetorical, because, the questioner answers himself - does he? does he? I mean it - maybe, the answer is not even 'ego's', but just some random user's. Possible! But how many think this way. '10', I just got. Hmm! I think I'm used to being better. Why then is it difficult to get rest, well, answer is, that's rhetorical. I know why. I think. Let me check. I get, in grace, now, mind; meaning, for the good of all I ask please for an answer, and, I get - "it's not easy to explain but I can't tolerate this I need help soon please". And I had a coughing fit.

I'll explain. Quickly. Enemy exists. We are that. But, we are many. We are unique, but, we can be one. It is not very difficult to explain if by this 'talking' (that I call channelling) I allow grace to lead. I just take dictation. I work hard, try to rest, and do play. That means in grace. I mean, at best, in grace, or led thereby. For this, I fervently do ask. (or, pray. Same thing.) I ask the Divine, as I know it. I do this because I desperately wish to communicate to any people responsible for attack on my country, mind, heart, and soul, because of their 'mission', or rather, their horrible vicious nasty bigoted thing called their pipe dream. I do not want any spies, military or other intelligence, to think I'm crazy. Sure - I've been there. I've also been very sane. But, you don't know how crazy you are. I write in a way best compared to jamming, in music. It's very much one with many. I forget that sometimes. It is me, mostly. Antoinette. However! It's vital to be approved by all in grace. Else I won't write it. Anger, catharsis, it happens. And, yes - drugs can help. So. Any questions? Address them to me, or to your God. May it be love. Or, Love. Take your pick. Get it? We are one love. And, maybe it's time we remembered that. We've been apart a long time, all of us things. Evolution is still occuring, it's not yet over. Take heart. However. There are people that need to be punished. It is reality. If you want, call it tough love. Someone has got to take those bodies. I ask for justice, that's all. And the best we can do is try our best, for a promise is a very difficult thing in a world of change. I learn it almost, I hope I learn it, I really must stop trying to quit smoking - so many enjoy it! And I am a soft touch. And yet, and yet - I bite. Stay away. Unless you mean well. To all.

Bed time.

Abusing people

2007-09-12T12:25:00.000-07:00

...is very dangerous. Very many people are abused, but, the abusers face worse torment in many hells. We ask to end this. People only abuse when they are angry, and angry is a sign of insanity. Ill-health, that means. You need treatment.

People hate one another. We are not allowed to hate, so it is suppressed. This aspect of self that is so angry because once hurt leaves, very often. It goes elsewhere, and takes it out on others. It can be better to contain the rage within one's own body. But these people frequently go insane. Meaning, mad. Or, they are addict. Addicts commonly contain many hells. But what can happen is a great healing, if the person begins to ask blessing, and also blesses the stuff. It's possible. It's the way to heal addiction, because one begins to heal hell. What this means is, people within hell, whether in soul, or in very nasty form that we have captured, or, more commonly, are used to contain, start to receive blessing. They are actually not fully in your body, is that right? Well - what is 'body'? It is one's matter. Is it possible, you might not know who you are? As in, what all you are? It is. But, in some level (that I call Heaven, or Paradise) we know. We wait, till people ask to heal all, not just their own little ego. And we find many, many people very concerned about all, and this is a great help. But, do you feel concern for that which is in your neighborhood, or in Iraq, or even, in your flesh? It is essential to open conscious awareness (once one is somewhat awake) to possibility that there is more. After all - what do you think is cancer? It's very amazing. It is great pain. Perhaps, there is pain within. Did you know, maybe, you are healing many who are dead? They are waiting, waiting, waiting. Is it strange, they would wait in matter? After all - you are the ones who are here now, right? And they were, and they are told, you are not.

Working in trance is a great thing. It is even better to work 'out of trance' if you are able. Most are. But, it takes an ability to be healed while one works. Do thank others. Perhaps you are protected. Ask to. Often, it is possible to thank in the peace, which may mean give a great deal to those who help. As in, maybe a vacation. It's real. We go to Heaven. It's in an instant. Or is it within? We say two things but the meaning is one, when we look at it. English is funny.

Within, indeed. Every instant we come and go. And yet, we may need to wait. More than an instant. Time is hell, a man told me once. And yet, he's wrong - time can be wonderful. (But, a bad trip is something else). Hell is a long time, I'll tell you that. And it's really depressing, too. Pretty soon, it makes more hell. We can't take it. Others suffer. Someone is doing it to someone else. It might be you. What to do? Call yourself back. It's a start. Ask to heal. You can challenge yourself, that they would forgive, if only they knew the reality - that person, that thing that hurt you, did it's best. You just need to understand All. They say, to understand all is to forgive all. I think it's true. But how do that? In an instant.

existence

2007-09-08T15:26:00.000-07:00

Being is difficult. This is the story. However, one thing is clear - one thing, which is hell is very difficult. We are in hell. Some people think, oh? And they are some of the tormentors. And they may deny it. But if you use, or if you buy, anything from some places that aren't very nice, you torment others. For, they are not very happy. They don't want you to be a user of them, but, obviously, you are! You bought from a place that abuses. Or abused them, by encouraging You. Cuba! Now that sounds like a nice place. I think so. Not just because I like old cars. But, they produce own food. Nice. I think like that. They're kind, too. Send doctors. I wish we would. Like a lot of them. We have a lot of them. But, they are busy making others work for them - and, they don't heal. They encourage pharmaceuticals. There is more. Healing? No. Cut it out. And then, sue. Because we can't pay. Not long, anyhow. Now, what are we going to do? All these doctors! I say, send them out of here - we don't need them. Not unless it's sliding scale. Because, I don't want to admit it, but, I'm one who uses 'pharmaceuticals', and, I'm lucky. Only, I wish I had the ones I want. But I have to see a doctor! Oh, go to hell. Africa is a nice place. I don't want any doctor, I want one who can heal. Especially a mental doctor. Don't you agree? No. You don't. You think I need many. : - ) Well, I just hope that I find an answer to this problem, or else, I could really get angry. And I don't want that. Do you? I don't think so. My point is, it's horrible out there. All we can do is work on our gratitude, and do our best to deserve the bounty. Or else, we will pay hard. I am going to do my best, to be good. I am, after all. Being though is difficult, if we are in hell. I do my best to raise hell, therefore, so I may heal it. And now that I have healed my hell, I feel great! I'm better. Do you understand me? Heal the hell, motherfucker. Or I'll fucking blow up the fucking sink in Your house, fuckhead! We can do things you never believed. We are many. We travel. And the water is no longer safe. There is more. I have blown up sinks before, I can do it again. Please help me heal. Send money. Lots of money. I'll give you my address: 31 Huntington Rd., York YO31 8RL England. (I owe my family, so just address the check to my parents, John and Mairi McCormick). I'm losing it. I have an impression that people love me. I may be mistaken, but, I am really feeling helpless here - and I believe, life is improving. Thank goodness. I do. love, Antoinette vsop xox

Why

2007-09-07T13:50:00.000-07:00

There are many reasons. But paramount among them is pride. We are proud to have lived, fearful of losing what we are. And we are more. We know it, we are very sure we will continue, but we fear hell. Usually hell is something that is in life, but often, part of us that has been before and been in hell says, no fucking way. I'm not doing it again. I was able get out, and I had to be born again, after hell. And part of us says, it will be wonderful. Truth is, both. But, that can end - we hope it will. There is no need for hell. In truth, in time (on Earth, that is) we bring hell to the surface. No more, after death. That's the plan. It's why it gets worse, not always better. But better and better for some, not for others? That's not right. So, we have to end it. It's not right, to say, I do my best - when it is not so. Do one's best means also, rest, play, and work in time, in the right time if you can, but do take it easy - on others as well. We Are doing our best - but we're crazy. I call it beasts. Animal gone insane. They are in the whole big picture very insane, driven mad by pain. Pain is what drives people crazy. And also, in the word of Carl Jung, the avoidance of necessary suffering. This is the hell of America. It is national. I write now in great seriousness because called to. Also in humor, and in caring, because I love. I'm not being pompous, I really do have a crush on a man, who has tried so hard I cannot speak of it - and the pain is too much, I've got to do something. He is avoiding (my words of course) a reality, which is, it is not his fault. It is not! It is something that came to be long ago, when we created ourselves - there would be a time to pay, and a time to gather. And the gathering is at hand. All that we do in caring will reap great reward, even if we managed only pain in our experience, here. There isn't anything to do but try, and also try to be kind to self, and to ask please to heal. And then of course, to listen - for as someone has said, prayer is talking to God, and meditation is listening to God. But also of course there is love, which is work. And doing in our own way what we are called to. And it is caring for all things to do one thing for one reason, that is love. It's real. It is far more than we know. It's about answering the call, and knowing - we are the greatest, we are, we are so much, and we all are. But really, some of us are so darn great, I can't take it. I got to ask to leave, and say, I'm so sorry. I try to do the best thing, and that is to ask to help but also, to know when to stop trying so hard and just say, I got to laugh. My work is easy. It is music. It's time. I love so much, I could cry. But I am also deeply grateful for just a friend, and that's what I have. End of this old desire. Time for now to be at peace. I ask one thing of this computer, please, convey my love. Thank you.

pain

2007-09-07T11:45:00.000-07:00

Pain is only what is trying to be free but we experience it as what we wish to be free from. We are causing the pain with this response. Just experience a wound and know that it wishes wholeness, was living in a way to get to this space, and managed to be closer - so close, it screamed. You would too if someone split you open. It's terrifying. Suffering is often fear, but pain is often manageable. Especially if you can comfort yourself, but often, people in fear can't. Please try to give to Amnesty and give a lot. It's good for you.

It matters. We matter. It's a pun. We all are things, and we are all things. If you are not kind, you are just a man. Not human, or humane; for truly humane people are able to heal all things. It's what we're for. But usually we think king is only one who is rich. No, you fool. King is to take care of what we are possessing, else, we are possessed. Thing king in deed. Oh my goodness. No more puns. Punish meant is a terrible thing. Ai...

sorry I like to channel mouse is horrible sometimes

Hell is only punishment without a teaching or reward at the end of one's trial, within reasonable time limit...before one is destroyed in soul, for instance.

End the hell call or write Amnesty today with all you know and remember there are no rights in a military brig, and never have been not in US history, anyhow. What were we thinking? It's sick.

bananas

2007-09-06T14:53:00.000-07:00

I love bananas. But I have to stop eating them. Not only are they really, really stupid to eat with gut trouble, as I have, but, they come from far away, in republics I don't support. Like Dole. I like Max Havelaar bananas, but we don't get them here. So I'm going to write to the C-1000, our local supermarket. Fair trade bananas? May we have them, please? I will boycott them until this day comes to be.

Also, I need ecological cleaning products. Because I am now a house keeper. I want to be good.

However, I have to tell you, being bad sometimes means only, I didn't know. I was not aware. Perhaps, there is a bigger story. More involved, than you knew. This happened to me. I was horrible. I thought I was lovely. However, I couldn't stop eating. At last, I am suffering from my excess. I have gut trouble. I fart a lot. But, I have a partner who is even fartier, and seems to have a sympathetic ear, so - I am very lucky. We are both in trouble. All together, we can endure. We did this together. No one of us is more evil than the other - this is the secret. It is sometimes not easy to believe - some people are so awful, it's ghastly. But there's a bigger story. And in time, we will realize, gosh I am so nice - I guess I had to become that way, because no one was willing to let me continue as I was. Meanwhile, I have to talk to the plants. I do this sometimes, just to know what's really going on. Also, notice what you are knowing in body - in pain? Maybe, it's someone else. Maybe, that's good, you are feeling that. Or are you guilty? No need for that. Just ask for help. And to help. Ask to heal, basically. You'll be okay if you do this, I tell myself this too. I know I ate a lot because so many starve, they came to me. I had to heal that. And them. And we do this by asking to heal all. love, A

There is a way

2007-09-04T13:40:00.000-07:00

Helping. How to help? is a good response. Help all. All will help you. Help means, do good to others, as well as to self. The way is to ask to do this. Just ask. And you'll be helped. It is called miracle. If we help one who asks, we help all. It's done. love, Us (p.s. it helps to say please)

This is a promise.

There are many asking, why are we so serious? Well, the truth is, world will pass away. A lot will die - bad pun, sorry. And, still, it's meant to be. And, really, we have to try our best to help each other, and not despair, just make things as comfortable as possible, and that's a pun too. Really it is the best thing. For, in time, we will come through, from other realms, and get those who are trapped. And those trapped are probably going to be very angry and unhappy. The problem is, as Jesus said, Heaven is within. Only, 'within' is damaged - atom is afflicted on Earth, since the bomb was developed. Also, DU is very hard on people. As is 'nuclear energy', I fear. It is not clean but very damaged. Try instead to imagine a world of joy. From that place, we will come. And save ourselves. Best is for us to get through in time. That is, before the worst of the damage will occur. Thus floods, famine, and all the torment of a world where the ice melts and seas rise and of course, where fire will take many too. Just hope we don't blow it up. It's not so easy. We would rather try to help when we are mostly ok. So, don't worry. Even Bush is just monkey, in fact, he's more monkey than man - and, indeed, many are very angry animal soul, trying to kill us all. Don't forget it. Luckily, we are connected, and can be forgiving. In time. Love, Us

people

2007-09-03T13:33:00.001-07:00

sometimes ask me, would you write? And I do. So don't be thinking, I never write. Just, it's not part of me that you understand. That's what I say.

Therefore, I don't tell them about this blog.

But you who know, realize how important I am. I am! I am very important. Because, I am saying things like, got to get the pH right. Yes, we do. And if we don't, we will die. It's that simple.

It's my new way. I will quit cigarettes. Someday. But, I may quit when there are none left. No. I'll take them with me. I hope. And yet, some of me will remain. And that's a pun. But! I am here only to say hello. Hello, my fans. I do know you exist. Somebody is checking on me. I can tell. Someone has read my profile. I am almost ready to publish. I am so excited.

When I am ready, I'll send my theory. First, though, I must get my pH right. This means, end of coffee. Or rather, my end of it. Because, it is over for me. Coffee and I are over. As Bush said when he left the international community, har har. God I'm bored. No, really, I am here to say, fuck y'all. That's if you think you can be a Republican and say in your heart, I'm doing good. No, motherfucker. You're done. For, so to speak. Well done, is how they'll have you. Motherfuckers. I'm hear to say, fuck off if you don't get it. You will get it. love, Us p.s. I'm channelling. It's such great life. Only, don't do what I do what I say is, yeah man fuck off motherfucker who the fuck you think we is fuckhead, why don't you fucking come off it, bastard cocksucker yeah master Bush faggot, you're dead meat

I love channelling ...in grace like that, especially ...kidding? no...why do you ask? we're dead lie serious get that fuckhead ho ho ho Christmas cracker cocksucker fucker mother damn you piss on it we go get him now and let's make it teach him something, like take us out of this hell called Americaaaaaaa - Iraq is okay for something, called fuckin'up but, not after you pass on fucker, and home is only a way of saying I like this place and I did like American cake but, it's ruination time babies and I don't want to be a baby, I'm leaving before they come after us geddit shit I hate my life you fucker, you master bastard you the one in charge? We'll get you go on, go to them, tell them you really love us, we'll fucking have your master plan - it's oily all over, get that fuck head we're on it maybe you got it time to go home to plot and maybe, we do mean the vegetable plot you stupid ass cocksucker braindead fool called Repub - licken' ...Christ, I used to be a good kid maybe, I would like to be an Iraqi, at least my hell won't be so very bad as this and I continue the story another time, think on it dumb friends there is more

Learning is evolution

2007-08-23T17:59:00.000-07:00

I thought this, in a conversation I was having tonight. I thought, that's good - enough for mousesong, even. And Mousewoman and mouse say yes, so there it is. then it occurs to me, could I not write what I just thought, haphazardly or by mistake even or just, happily, that Evolution is learning? And is that so? Yes. It is. Hence altruism... or did that just come through

Love and limitation

2007-08-21T18:33:00.000-07:00

Dear All,

A request is now being talked of, amongst us. How to help. It's a big question. People don't like being helped. Unless it is themselves who is helping. And sometimes it is. If, and big if, a lot of people say, yes, we'll play...a game (and that game is love) then, people say, boy that's odd. That sounds so weird. Love?!! Don't all be religious on me! But what it means is, we ask to care properly for one another and our own selves. Then, it is possible. And just one of us needs to ask, to start it rolling. So keep going. Don't give in, despair is indeed a sin. It is, being without. [As the word implies... ; - ) ]

love to all, please ask (as do we now!) which really implies you are at ease - if not, scream. bless you please, all - hugs,

mouse and guides thankyou! for your attention to matter, too. end for now. x

No not leaving

2007-08-18T13:19:00.000-07:00

I am not leaving. Things are good.

As well, it is wonderful I've got clear on something - the reason I cannot quit cigarettes - or at least, drop the addiction. There Is something to learn. It's what I already know, is the great insistence deep within me, to balance out my own chemistry - and, this will drop the cigarettes. Happily, Hans is into it. So. All good. pH will drop ... or not. No problem.

But he might die if we do not heal. I remember this. And me too? Umm no bleah I mean, yes. Oh, shit. It's a question of time.

But one thing for sure. Descent is not healthy now. So - I think, it might be wise to raise the Anty.

mouse person

time to move on

2007-08-07T12:12:00.000-07:00

I am feeling pressure to be a loving housewife and that's it. Not interested. I'm thinking of leaving! I feel bad. Because I'm not talking about it yet. However, I think I will go check out the place on the beach I have found, three miles from the beach, anyway. Would be nice. I love Bakkum - beautiful birches, tremendous area around the dunes, and no one, no one there, after summer. I'll love it, be for me. Also can visit my godson, very near really in Amsterdam, and go to school for Dutch at the Haarlem volksuniversiteit. On the weekend, I'll come see Hans. Yippee! I think I can afford it, too. (Will tell him in a few days. Or tonight. Better. Allright. Good. It's arranged. Thank goodness, he won't be wondering what is up. He can tell. Love, Us.)

pigginess

2007-08-06T17:00:00.000-07:00

There are pigs. Many of them. I'm one. I must remember that. : - B

And, we eat each other. Do not let it happen!!!

Get off the pork belly barrel, and do not use plastic - at all? No!!! but, do use debit. It's not abuse. I regret nothing. I hope. I ask it, anyway. So do your worst! ? No! Better! I'm a bettor, too. Love, be your beast!!!! and best the bettors against you. You're really very angry, remember it. Love,

ME!!!!! (someone else. yes, we channel them too)

love and all that

2007-08-06T16:53:00.000-07:00

Money. I am so sick of it. But I love it. Only, I'm angry today. Or was. I bounced Another fee, I mean, they let me give to charity, then hit me - 35 bucks. Ow. So, I must make the bank pay. And we do.

They make their money the old fashioned way, when I'm in charge. They Earn it.

US

happiness

2007-07-20T17:55:00.000-07:00

isn't easily found. I'm pissed off. It's really tiresome. I get so fucking pissed off. Partly because, I experience a great deal of joy, when I am able to receive and give love in a manner that is right. I feel right - so much of the time. Then I fucking fuck up. And no one let's you know! It's all, 'fuck this', and 'go to hell', and it's all so quiet, no one says anything. And that's because, they don't know how - how to be happy. The whole plan, the American dream, is one long pursuit. And if you find happiness? Well, I guess you graduate. No. That's not it. I don't believe. But, I need to realize, when I lose my temper, it's almost always after long patience, long holding my temper, long long while of noticing, and feeling, reaction - people are angry. Angry, as they are not happy. I act it, but, the truth is, I am a lot. And most people act, and yet they are not well, nor happy. Listen, motherfuckers. I have a lot to say. I'm tired of this shit. I'm going to find a forum where people listen. It may be a fucking pulpit. But you assholes have got to realize, there is a world out there which is missing a huge opportunity: to get better. So fucking leave the fucking nicey-nicey shit out of the fucking life program, motherfuckers! Thank you. Love, mousewoman x love is the answer. I got to listen to myself. I will indeed go away. Fuck politics. I'll be back. Joy is not right with me now, and I do not need to be this pissed off. I apologize. I was hurt. And I know we all are. Let's work.

Today

2007-07-17T14:36:00.000-07:00

It is vital to realize that there is no waste. Nothing is wasted. Even if we throw it away, we must appreciate all things - and that does mean, every day. Thing is, it may not happen that we do appreciate all that is, in our life. So we have to go back. And dig through the trash? Exactly. Some of us are very conscientious, and think, well, I compost. Good for you! But, also, it's important to notice, you are one with many, all the time. We channel. We are spirit. And we abuse people. And, that means, our energy is many places. This means, in reality, those who we think are far away are with us. This can be experienced in addictions, when we seem unable to let go of a thing. Like a cigarette. Like food. Sometimes, people are channelling, and they just want what we owe. So pay. Love, Us. p.s. no effort is wasted, either. It's just about time, that's all. So! Love is the answer. Be aware, it is all we are. And, do ask to understand that. It's a pun, if that's the right word, a double-entendre anyway - under stand only Love.

Hello

2007-07-15T05:57:00.000-07:00

I'm so sorry. The hell is great. We believe, there is a huge need for the world to come to a close. Do not worry or wish for else. The greatest of you will find, you can do nothing. It may seem, nobody is caring. And, if you knew, you would find they care very much - only, they cannot bear the pain. We call you now to work hard to forgive...and know, it means your own self, and that's real. Love, us who are you, but, know - we are working from realms of heaven, to heal the hell. And you are in hell. Love, much as you can, know you are aided, and do be great in your love for all - we are who you see -but, we must only be our worst now, sometimes. Love, Us

what I wrote

2007-07-13T14:19:00.000-07:00

I wrote a lot, just recently, ending an affair. It was great, I love him. I am feeling deeply I have to go soon - I plan to leave quietly, without talking about it. I wrote. And I hope he'll be allright. I don't think he'll tell me, though. I hope he will. I wrote last night, when I could not sleep, something that came through to be written on this blog, about violence.

I was thought to, 'just say "violence", and we'll remember'. Oh! Well, a mnemonic like that may work for some, but gee! I'm a bit disabled. All those meds. So I took out my notebook, and channelled this: I need to get it down. Then I'll go record for a while. I love to read out loud. (Tonight I read about Zen.) And I plan to stay up all night, so I may disappear at dawn, catch the early bus. My bag is almost packed. The man is on the sofa, watching a jazz festival in Rotterdam.
I wonder if I'll come back. He'll have to come after me. But he'll have to heal himself, or it's all ridiculous. I realize he hit a limit. And he's detoxing from terrible mental meds, but it's no excuse, for being cold to me. Not with us. It must be over. And the hell he sent me, it's real - something's going on - he cannot tolerate channelling, he cannot bear the presence of beings, and, it's his home. I respect it. More than he does. What a mess. And still is...

I leave the place half-painted. I hope that's metaphor. I will miss Hans. I love him.

I wrote, in the night:

Violence in others and in self is created by despair almost always, and we allow ourselves the violence If we feel wronged - but if we think others are not correct, then we often just despair and hurt but that usually makes us very angry inside and hurt them too. We deny this aspect. Meaning, it leaves us. It usually is felt by others. Also, we may allow others to be furious for us.

I do care about this statement, and worked it much today, on a walk. I do hope I am not hurting others now. But I may be. Seeking that which has left, is lost, or ran, to others and to other hell is what is required. One must seek to find. I sadly say. love, Us too. (and mouse, advising)

It is best to quit

2007-07-10T13:08:00.000-07:00

...addiction. And we are addicted. To quitting, it seems. So now, let's not stop the smoking, but stop quitting. We are not quitters. It's obvious. Now, we smoke when we want to. That's all. (But we need to be in the Peace.) Is this okay? Not so much...as, she says, we need to help him. Well, we want to smoke "once in a while". Well, what's wrong with that? A while - is sometimes five minutes. What does mouse say?

Earn it. You earned it. Yay! and now, a smoke. love, mouse x

Thrill of quitting

2007-07-04T13:25:00.000-07:00

is upon me. I am almost there.

happy

2007-07-01T05:51:00.000-07:00

We are happy here, myself and Hans. I am very happy, but, also in pain - this time, it's my heart and soul that hurt, for, I had hoped to live a good long time, if I quit smoking. I don't think it'll happen. We'll have a long death, in most likelihood, of starvation. However, that's a long way off; we do have plenty of food, for now, and will do for maybe some time. Not to worry! However, I got to quit smoking.

I must support Hans, who admits, it's one minute to midnight - his own words - for him. He has emphysema, and wants to start running again, and I do support him, but, 'one a day' just won't work, as support. Plus I promised Junior, and now must come through. Now he will have saved two of us, not one! I tell him. I'm not sure he's convinced, yet.

But how good that would be.

I'm happy, feeling good to be home after a night in Amsterdam. Saw boy, missed Hans, he ill, so I came home. What a relief! Great fear of being only white person at a birthday party, and I didn't used to be afraid, but, having been to an African child birthday party before, I knew - it takes so much energy, and I just want to go home. Fear, as my kid selves didn't want to party. And that's strange.

Was glad to be home. Good hash, wonderful stuff, I picked up while in A'dam.

So happy.

Must go. Am really glad to be alive. For as long as it lasts.

love to all, mousewoman and mouse

today (and recently)

2007-05-25T04:34:00.000-07:00

I hurt myself badly - so I thought - but really, I know it's okay. It helps - to know that it really will heal, my poor arm; surely (and I think, too) my high self helped me. My true self, that I call mouse. And also, other parts of my being - my soul broke her arm. I know I could have broken my neck! I was grateful, but was not sure to whom I owed thanks - later it was apparent I was taking pain for other aspects of my being, that saved me. I fell from bed! (My loft bed, not my boyfriend's, thank god...) Hans called me, in the morning, from his house in Millingen, and in Utrecht I ran to the phone, navigating a ladder for the first time, in my near-sleep...I crashed hard and a long fall it was, and I didn't know how much I hurt myself. Later I realized it was very amusing to many, for, I somehow also managed to lock myself in my apartment, shearing the key, the same day. I obviously have issues, I thought. Near to me is Hans but, I could be so silly and move in right away; he's a very depressed soul still I think, but maybe that's lightening. Helps, to earn his way to me...and me to him. And I need to be alone. So I told myself, losing my key in the door, I figure...I'm having to admit, it was deeply ridiculous. Funnier in my head still than on paper, but, my soul is in pain, and I need to go soon. My arm is killing me. It comes and goes. I need aspirin. I'm sure I'm really okay. It goes from the neck, and when I settle down, it returns to my back and neck, where I'm sure I tore a muscle merely, saving my skin in so doing - my soul wondered what she'd done, we could have gone out of this world - but I'm in love, and so, happy to be alive. And he is in love with me. Happy. Boy am I happy. And it's good to be alone, too.

I'm in the Bijlmer. Come to see Junior. Must tell him, for certain - will quit, but need two months of two cigs a day. He must not boss me. I will indeed save for Nigeria. I probably will go. But only for two weeks. And first, must get Mother to say is okay, as don't want panic. I'm feeling very good. My soul is with me. I know she must heal. Usually she travels a lot. I feel sophisticated for a change.

Lucky me, I'm happy - and others? How do I pay, when I have so little money? I went to the "belastingdienst", the tax office, to apply for a Sofinummer, what I need to work here - got an appointment. Doing what I needed to do made me happy, and I could move on...my energy changed totally.

I am eager to do a lot of work. As in writing. This is commitment - I'll try to write here daily. love, Antoinette

oops I forgot

2007-05-06T06:34:00.000-07:00

I'm not supposed to promise never again. I give up the addiction, though. wheee!

I ask to say sorry, to those whom I have let down. One a day keeps the doctor away! my new motto, for the cigarette companies. hee hee hee hee hee ... so long as I may keep to one, I know, I am blessed. With fortitude, too. If I fail, I must try again. I know my heart of hearts wants one. But no addiction.

I was speaking of more. says mouse. No, more. Cigarettes and me know more. wheeeeeeee!

: - o!

cigarettes and me

2007-05-06T03:22:00.001-07:00

No more. mouse x

I was depressed

2007-05-05T14:32:00.000-07:00

then I heard he'd suffered a grand mal seizure, his first. I was still depressed but didn't feel he was impossible. He apologized to me. I called him next day, today, and he was saying he did want to go out with me. Every muscle hurt, muscles he'd never used before, he couldn't walk. I called later and felt better, he liked my note and my phone call and wants to go out. I feel better. I had been suicidal and making plans. I can't take much more pain. I went to a barbecue. I may move there, lovely farmhouse. Came home, people dancing, I am jealous - they have stopped. I'm going to my room to sulk. And hope I feel better. Depression still with me. He's seen inside me. He knows how much pain there is. I need to take it easy. One step by one step. But I have his address, and soon he will have email, and like me he writes better than speaks.

I have hope.

another day

2007-05-04T07:46:00.000-07:00

I feel bad. Very bad. Thought I had a date. He got nervous or something. Bad. Well, obviously it won't happen...he wanted to leave his bike for me, but has gone off with it. So there's no bike for tomorrow, no communication. Too many sweet smiles, but nerves. Or, I give up...silly, to think he could be strong. I give up.

I asked

2007-05-01T14:12:00.000-07:00

I asked Junior, if okay if I smoked one a day. He said yes. I was really grateful. And, he is very sweet, about this.

I smoked one cigarette, and two joints. It was konningendag, Queen's day. Some excuse! Yes, but it was okay. But today? Thrill! I smoked a ton. Now, 'all stress being over', as, I got the kids to the movies, got me to Utrecht (only ten minutes late), paid my sweet new friend 260 euro and now have a room waiting for me (in Utrecht) the 12th of May - and now, I am in Germany, 'working at' (having a great time) the Vlierhof, the community I love.

I want to smoke one tomorrow. I think I can do this. Truth, truly, is best. love, A

Lying

2007-04-27T15:51:00.000-07:00

I don't feel great about it. I do now, I mean, but I don't want to keep lying. I think I over-promised. I felt coerced, as if, well, if I love my godson, I do what he thinks - is best for me, I mean. But it wasn't. So I have time. And meanwhile I lied. Not to his face, maybe - but very, very close. I mean, I could make a case that I quit every time I 'stop with a cigarette', as he says, being Dutch and young - every time I put one out. But that's really splitting hairs, and I don't want to.

But it comes down to the point - law. Promises. The word. The word of God. One's own word. What is word? Will? What is understood? Wisdom? These are not all the same. I don't believe, actually, that in the beginning, was the word. What nonsense. Unless, it was God's thought - and we are God, in a place called truth. Truth though is absolute, and this is a relative world. We move through time, probably and usually closer to God. Especially if we hold truth dear, and the truth I seek is greater goodness, and in me, that will mean, only smoking when it is good. And it is. I put it out when it ain't. But, complacency - it is not what I want, and I am one with many, and they enjoy smoking too. So I give myself some time. And I ask, please, may we quit? And the answer comes back, yes. And is it best? no. What is best is, enjoying it, and knowing, you will quit - we do agree. But we don't want to yet. So we ask to want to. love, Us

smoking and me

2007-04-26T14:46:00.000-07:00

Having trouble quitting - and that's what this blog is supposed to be about. I don't want to quit. I am promised to. What should I do? Lie, mouse says. I have to think about that. Gosh.

What should I say, to those who can tell? Don't let them know. Is this real? Yes it is. Stop torturing yourself, says someone. Some people do it all the time. It's about compassion, as well - for those who have to lie. I don't smoke much, just a couple - or three, or four. But still - I do love my smokes. I just got on my bike, and went to a bar, ordered some halfzware shag - Van Nelle, which I adore. Oh boy - and I knew it was right, but, how square it, with what I believe? I really have told them I quit. Boy oh boy. Now what do I do. I obey mouse. I trust her. And I know, I can go to two a day, easily, if I'm not guilty. Some of it Is forbidden fruit...so, at ease with myself, I think I can go two.

Another thing to talk about is the relationship that people with mental illness have with coffee and cigarettes. You'll rarely see a mentally ill person who doesn't smoke. We Are sensitive, it's usually that, and, we have spirits. Usually, they are distinct from us, whereas, in most people, they are one - people are amalgams - so personality is distinct from soul. And, with many, 'evil' (or, contrary) spirits fight with one. I rarely have that. I go at the right pace, I'm healed enough, with the help of meds, not to have fights often. But still...really? Answer, yes. Wow. An answer. I'll take it. thankyou mouse.

forbidden fruit and the wealth of nations

2007-04-21T01:52:00.000-07:00

I recently did some thinking, and decided that fruit is not always the answer. Fruit, I mean, that is lobbed, or in other ways pressed to the flesh, in a softened state, that is. But I am speaking of a state that is Holland, and there, forbidden fruit is something else altogether. Indeed, it is not forbidden, meaning, drugs and sex are recognized for what they are, which is tempting. They are fruit that is not so corrupt. They do not rot the state. The Dutch recognize 'the devil' for what it is, human nature. And, by letting light shine upon it, legitimizing it, indeed, they stop the pain it can cause, this thing called 'forbidden fruit'. So many of us go to a thing because it is not allowed. It is human nature - especially amongst the young. So, devil (or demon, as I call bad kid) is able to heal, enjoy itself, and move on in time to better things, having explored in a safe manner. What's so wrong with that? And of course, the state taxes and benefits from the tourists, and is able to maintain control of what might be a scourge. Sex trade is not unhealthy, if people are restrained from abuse and abusing each other, and they are, in Holland, much more than most places. I don't see what is wrong with this. For more, see a wonderful documentary I first saw when I walked into a movie house in Oregon, back in 1994 - about this subject and the Dutch constitution - called "Sex, Drugs, and Democracy". It is of course a bit long ago now, and some murders have polarized the public, and the pendulum did swing, but the people are safe, for the laws about cannabis and drug policy and (I think) sex trade are in writing and safe, no matter how rightwing the coalition government may go - people are protected from extremes of mood. It's pretty good. I have more to learn, but this is a great way to see how the state and people can benefit from 'corruption', and live with organized 'crime'. Check it out!

continuing

2007-04-20T15:34:00.000-07:00

I was writing today, jotting notes, while waiting for a friend at a coffee joint. Here's what I wrote -

Bicycles. Keeps them fit, and civic engineering geared for bikes keeps them human - because, government is human, forced to put bikes (and bikers) first. Steady, too.

Small country. Decentralized, though. Romans didn't go north of the Maas (after which river Maastricht named, naturlijk.)

Psychic space. They design to give illusion of space. And it's real. Because small country, very populated. So big squares, pleins, preserve and created, in midst of towns.

People respect one another. Architecture philosophical, thus. Space. Not like here, full of wasteland and trash, and ignored, degraded space, ignored, deprived people.

Egalitarian. Feel disappointed in selves. Let selves down. Christian in spirit, though a very secular nation, they overreached, let in too many immigrants, making mistake - thought they'd leave, when work was done. No - they sent for their families. So pendulum swung right. Wasn't intentional, unlike America's immigration policy.

Too good. Example of how Dutch don't realize what paradise they have. Think it's boring. I think they should invade us. It might be fun for us too.

Illegal drugs. Judicious, tactical approach to enforcement. Requires education to contain police, and civilians have a real incitement to follow news and trends, that enforcement no become too zealous. Must control police to keep liberties and they do.

They don't get out of control, the Dutch. They say, we are not a passionate people. (Though I hear they get riotous, on holiday; skiing, for example.) And at soccer matches - they're very excited about Ajax, the national team! And Queen's Day. And St. Nicholas. Very big on having fun, in a really nice, gentle way - very enthusiastic about that.

Proud people. But humble too. (justify)

* I meant, I need to justify that statement. Right now not sure what I meant. I think maybe, they haven't got a lot of ego.

Notice in America, big ego comes from true feeling of inferiority, that came with the indentured servant past of the whites, or being tossed out of country, or being enslaved, the blacks I mean. And the horror of it, the hell of being poor. This is how people act in individual terms, too. But as a country, US is sickening - no humility. Have to reinvent the wheel. Won't learn from others. We're the greatest. Total bullshit.

Anyhow, mouse wants to talk. Love, she says. Love love love. I am horrified. I don't know what she's talking about. Love. end for now. love yes is what she says. Don't be angry at A - she is angry at US. But also, it is favorite country. Just, wishes it would get better. It is so ill. We hope it heals. That's what Dutch say. Process pain? Well, they think a lot. And they sad. America, so ill. Responsible. And avoid it. Oh well. Say Dutch. And they know it's over. It's real reason they're sad. Nobody is going to ask, can you help? Because they can. Do ask. Ask the Dutch. They will help. Us

The Dutch and US

2007-04-19T14:47:00.000-07:00

One thing is very obvious, living in Holland. I am with superior people. They are kind. They think a lot. And, they are not very happy. I am, when there - so much is so beautiful, and these people, they don't know I think that they are closed to much they have done, being so sad about what they haven't done. I love them. And also, they are frequently very worried about people, and that's nice - but they're hardly ever worried about me. That's because I do so well there, and, I have found people from many walks of life size me up, and find me healthy. Not too many stereotypes there. It's pretty cool.

I find it not so easy to talk tonight, about what I have clearly in my mind, how the Dutch are different - and how they manage to be so humane, with a good education system, and happy kids.

I'll write soon, but that's the focus. It does have bearing upon what I wish to talk about most, which is addiction, and the way pain is processed. (We all know the Dutch for their 'tolerance', but many don't know, drugs are illegal in the Netherlands. I want to talk about that.) In addition, I want to talk about England, where I am now. It's very palpable, the difference, even in the ambient air. Psychic space - they understand it in Holland. Not here. Not that I see. Will talk about that too. Boy, I love Holland. But now, in England, I think I have more understanding, why I dislike this place so much. I don't want to hate it. And, I have more...compassion? Maybe pity is the word - maybe, I just feel superior too. Got to look at that. Meanwhile, off to think a bit, see if I'll write more - or just listen to music, or go out. May still do that. Late night, so nice to have own space and time, and that be respected for a change. Things are going well here - at my parents' house, I mean. Good visit.

love, A

today, not so very different

2007-04-18T13:43:00.000-07:00

However, pleased! Haven't smoked - or, only a joint, and a damiana cigarette - a nice, smooth, calming herb. I like the idea of using marijuana with tobacco, but it sure makes me high! whew. Amazing.

Pissed off. Realized, and I feared it but, I finally got the guts and peeked, and realized, I bounced again, on my bank account. And it wasn't for my stupid mistake of the past, which was to forget checks, it was that I forgot I bought NY Times Select, which put me $2 under. So I got hit hard with $35 charge, piss. Annoyance! That's a lot of money, to me. So how to cope? Well, there are two ways - one, to play regret-me-not. And realize, I am doing well, and I do need more money. That was my one lesson. Number two lesson is just to realize, I can get that bank to earn that money. It's B of A, and they're pretty good; lobbying from the Wetlands Preserve of all places got them to go green, and pretty ethical. Still, I would rather give others my money. I realize I can ask to work in soul to receive benefit of what I have paid. And I say it here, that that go on the air. Lots of resentment out there. Well, let them make money the old-fashioned way - and earn it.

So that was a good lesson. And $35 bucks? Uh...I think I will access that archive I now have a month's use of, and offer it to people who work for Gore's re-election - other people might like access to the archive, so I'll do some work, and ask if they want work done, too. Cool.

What else. Bought first series of Sex and the City. Yay! Always wanted to see it, one of my regrets I've never watched it. May buy the other series tomorrow, as they are at Oxfam, and is good to give them money, will just not tithe next month. Yay, will watch with Mother.

Proud I'm not smoking. Junior is delighted, and very sweet about it. Will post pics of him soon. More on Dutch system vs. US's as promised, soon. love, A

hello and fare thee well.

2007-04-16T13:00:00.000-07:00

A nice night in Amstedam. Smoking and drinking coffee. Good friend with, from Baghdad. Terrific. Life is good. Tomorrow, England...yay! family. See you soon, my friends. love, A

health

2007-04-15T02:52:00.000-07:00

It is important to enjoy one's health. That means, think of what is, and enjoy it. Be proud of it. And, if you are angry at others, wonder why - it may be, you think you are better than they are. Frankly, it's unlikely. You might be saying, oh, I think I am...however, likely is, you feel oh, I would not do that. Well, frankly, you would. Because, feeling and thinking are different things. Feeling is deeply in the body, and feeling is often not 'felt' - not sensed, as we drown our feelings, our being really. We say, I will think, I will not feel, and we feel great pleasure only because, well, we are floating. And in the floating, that is health. Drowning is a pain in the ass. However, truth is, deep down, we're drowning. There is a lot of pain, and if we are caring people, who want to do good, want to care for others, help them, work with them, bring them into happier times, we tend to overwhelm ourselves, for it is so difficult, when there are so many sonsofbitches out there, or rather, sonsofgodknowswhathellyouwerethinking,woman - and a fair number of horrid women, too, who may be very nice to their mothers, but truly, they're mothers are ashamed, if they're decent. Perhaps, it is simply natural, to hate these people. I'm better than they are. Well, yes, I am. But I really work at it! And frankly, I like it a lot, to feel superior. But you've got to earn it. And really, to make them feel ashamed, you've really got to work hard. Sometimes, it's best to work at getting them thrown in jail, or at least, kicked out of office. And for this we need a lot of bullshit. We need happy people, floating comfortably, really looking confident, and you know what, you need to be proud. Pleased looking, and not very worried about...looks. Being is what counts. Knowing, for good and all, it's wonderful, wonderful to be as what you are, and knowing, there is time. And really, best is to simply love the way we are, even if it feels sort of not happy, and just pray. And dance. I have to remember that. I felt like shit yesterday. I think I told you, people threw a lot of shit at me. I felt lots of creepy crawlies on my skin, I was irritated and my heart was in pain, but today I'm happy. I felt jealous, for, I did want to dance, but I knew it was not right - I knew I needed to be alone, and to sleep. People went dancing. Well, they missed me! I was told. That felt good. Being a loner, without a lot of friends, I mean. And now I do, I feel friended, befriended, and I do feel loved. Also, I know I did right, as Hans was not there. I will go again! I wrote him a note. Apparently, it was my favorite - and there was beer. Oh! There was bad disco, and I love that so much. It's wonderful. Okay, enough from me - just to say, oh joy, it's okay, I'm happy, hope you're happy too. So wonderful, to talk about health, and what does mouse say? shut up? no... she say, love is only as good as you are able to feel. hmm, what the hell does that mean. I must think. antsy, I have felt. Yes. Maybe it's ants. I have work to do. Enough grasshopper. Maybe that's what it means, that I am too lazy too day, and want to work. Allright! An hour in the tool room, and joy - I will pack, then maybe, I will eat. Love! It's what it is. Let it be. hey. hey hey hey. Yay!

pain

2007-04-14T11:56:00.000-07:00

Awful day. Was okay, went to hell. Can't bear it, so simply wish to talk. Hurts. Heart hurts. Down, is because not on medication. Sure of it. Obsess about silly things. Am out of it. Can't get this computer working, hours of that, and cannot bear people, they walk into the room and my energy is so caught up with psychic phenomena, they irritate me, it is as it they play a klaxon in my ear, and they mean nothing by it, entering the room, simply putting down dishes helping me clear away lunch. So, go to my room, tune in, what the hell's going on. Find out, cannot be who I thought, need only to be alone, is better. Much better. People angry. Me getting out of control. I like to control myself, but - at least I only try to control myself! Well, it's grace, I usually am so lucky, I have grace, so one doesn't need control. It is the ultimate control - utter harmony. What did I do, why did I lose it? Pain. Was tormented, couldn't, for the life of me, find out what it was. I'd hurt someone. What did I do? I don't know. I think sometimes, it's not possible, one isn't meant to know. Or, what did I try to do? What do I need to let go. That's interesting. One works at it, understanding things, knowing what is right. Some things, they cannot be appreciated, in this world - not in ordinary. What is it I should do, if all I have done is what I think to be right, or good, or happy? Then, best thing, try to communicate. Try to say, in my heart, or work, in the peace, what is. Also, pray like mad, and that's what I've been doing. Just sitting in my room. Finally, pain so great, I think, it is not just me. I am realizing, I am very lucky. Lucky to be alone, when I can be. I was angry for a while, suddenly it burst on me, that I was being tormented, for no purpose. You might say, gee girl, you're psychotic! But my understanding is different - there is great order in the world, and if you live right, if you work hard to make up for past wrongs, if you are very lucky and study as I had before I broke down psychic healing, and feel strongly with soul and body that which is grace, and know how to find it again via morality and thought that inclines one to better action, then, one is helped. Then, healing happens. And I rarely am out of control. And I know, anger is always something that can be let into a space of healing, but this time, I had to defend myself, and I was angry - at a friend. I was saying, shit motherfucker - what the fuck did I do to you. And I find, some people don't understand. Or, they are tormented - and they shut down, they refuse to feel, and that's when it goes insane. Someone kind, a soul that is decent, can be wounded, can be hurt by a dear, and then, what to do but deny another. So I hurt like hell, till I saw that. And of course, like they say, perfect understanding brings perfect forgiveness, or even a little understanding like I had, a whole softening of heart. I even had thrown a few kicks. I do that. Only way, when you feel bugs and sweat trickling and know, some demon motherfucker has tossed a whole shitload of manure onto you, and you know it, because man you feel so Bad!! and yes, the kids hurt, we who are all kids, and we are so angry, when our bliss goes. So what a day. I'm so sad, but so relieved I understand. I was torn up, and hurt, and in hell, because there was something going on, something I don't understand. And that's okay. I found that much, and it was all I needed, as I don't need to know, all. Navy taught me that: made it part of my belief system, 'need to know'. It's all I ask for, enough understanding. And I'm so grateful, and the flies are gone. : - ) I used to hang out with Harrison Ford. Son of a bitch. ; - ) I mean it, he was great about putting me in hells of flies and such shit! I think, it's a terrible thing to do, it comes back on one, and he had to learn that. We're great friends now. I mean in soul. And he laughs a lot, and I just hope, oh man I hope, he does the right thing in life. He's terrific. But, indeed, it was tricky, being a fan, playing around with the idea a man can be friends with a nutcase, and they can, men do know how to be friends. Luckily, I am also able to kick ass, and I do. Happily, I am able to respect, and I do. I try my damndest. So I find myself working so hard, just to say, holy mackerel - I'm exhausted today, I worked so damn hard, I feel so sad, and so much compassion, for everybody, especially me. And I'm so happy! Gerold fixed this computer so I can write, and he made me coffee, and I'm going to smoke with him. I deserve it. I'm not going to any disco, I'm going to sleep. I wish to goodness I could just take my meds. It is so nice, just to be relatively ordinary. I've worked very hard this week, having more than usual energy and sight. But I don't need it. Still, what an achievement. Found a home! yay! Bless y'all. Antoinette x

song

2007-04-14T03:23:00.000-07:00

Singing expected soon, since I ain't been smoking so much. Just to report, I did smoke four yesterday; one more than planned, but I forgot again, I'm not supposed to promise - I'm against promises, I'm more into probabilities. And I found out to my joy mouse expected me to go for four though I promised three. So it was okay! And today, well - not yet lunch, and I decided to smoke 3 already - just so nice, to smoke with others. Talking with a German I like called Gerold, a great uncle of his was Adolf, and on the other side of the family, an aunt was 8 years in Ravensbruck and was so damaged by medical experiments she couldn't walk anymore or believe in anything. He's interesting, refuses usually to speak English, is the only one in the family not to become a doctor or engineer, instead he is a very lazy one here, very capable but always about when I want a smoke - it's so nice, there is no pressure here, I take a break whenever I like. Gerold sharpened our hoes, I have been hoeing in a big pit that will be a swimming pond, with many young enthusiastic volunteers here to help, camping out on the property - oh, I wish we had that (instead of Girl Scouts, that I despised) when I was a kid! Did several hours of hacking away in the sunshine, am covered in mud, and now it's lunchtime. I hope to find a way to reach Hans. This is my background thought. I'm sad I didn't take a picture of him, but I see him clearly. He is goodlooking but doesn't know it. Sexy. I have decided to leave him my lighter, too - this is silly, but perhaps it's more suggestive that I like him, than just my tobacco. I have decided to return here the 27th, of this month, rather than wait till May - for, the 28th of every month, there is a Lakota sweat lodge ceremony, and I'm eager. At Stoutenburg there is a famous one, but it's 50 euro! no, I won't do it - not for a long time, anyway. Here, it's free. Yeah. That's what I believe in. So I'm excited, I am moving here in a big way, and yet, I do need to be alone soon, with my thoughts. It's nice to think and laugh to myself as I work, and yet - I need to lose time, just read and write, and not think of other people. And, also, I want to start writing for real. It's time. This afternoon I will cut back the new hedges to 40 cm and complete the organization of the tool room, that I feel I have accomplished the chores I set myself. That will feel good. I spend a lot of time thinking about America here, one has such great perspective - I talk about it a lot, but get depressed unless I also talk and think about the glorious Dutch system, that fills me with such enthusiasm (to the constant surprise of the Dutch, so easily bored by themselves and their mastery of life) and ideas for how to heal America. I must write, tonight maybe. More then, then...recapitulate observations, set forth for those who do not know, what is so beautiful about this system, after the disco. love, A xox

2007-04-13T12:06:00.000-07:00

Today, terrible tiredness - wearisome sort, unameliorated by a little ephedrine, and, it was all from being awake too late. I think I will now simply say, I am okay, I am not very insane, I think I sounded it. I am certainly feeling the effects of being awake into the early morning, even the late night going into dawn, but, it's normal to feel like shit when you pull an all-nighter - I am not manic. I am assuring any family who have tuned in, or concerned friends. Who knows, maybe somebody reads this. I feel they do. I just don't know who you are. I just feel a little nuts. Because, my energy that sleeps and rests didn't, so is complaining very much, and not healing the old tired stress that I usually can transmute, so really, I'm just experiencing life as it used to be - plus some tired bod, but, I'm okay. I don't Think I'll go back to meds, but they sure are tempting - I'd love to get a good night's sleep. And I'd love to feel great tomorrow, like I have all week. I'd love to be able to say, ah, it was only a day - but, at the end of this week, I begin to see how people act, here in this Utopian place, of a weekend - and, because I am tired, people are less thrilled with me. I notice that. Usually, they really, really dig me. A bit saddening - as if, people like one because of the energy they get off you. I thought people were better than that here. Oh well...it's still a lot less than people do usually, but, it is indication of how they are, what's up, and, those who Don't behave like this - Anutosh, Auke come to mind, and if he were here, Hans would be kind and know who one really was, since we have met, I mean in the real sense, in our talks. Manos too is real. That's a lot of friends. Anywhere. So, nice - I'm glad of that. I am acting the same, when with people, but I am simply exhausted and conserving, not giving so much - I worked, but less, and feel I will work a full day tomorrow on a half day to make up for my siesta today.

I am hoping to go to a dance tomorrow, am sad I can't go with Hans, because I refuse to call him. I'm advised by guides not to either, they shake head. I would love to though, and yet, I feel I'm much older than I used to be, and there is so much time, there will be other dances. He'd be nervous, and I'd be very nervous, it would be no fun. More fun to dance around with the gang I've met here, a real joy actually. Okay, shucks but okay. I think of Hans. A horse stepped on his foot, he said, with it's full weight, the other day. He also fell out of a chair and was severely injured, he said, the other week. I wonder if it means anything. I think it means he's clumsy. But more? Yes, mouse said. I'm right. Lack of worth, taking it out on self. A little obvious, the old pop psychology, but, often very real. Poor guy. I'll have to watch him. I think he's the kind of guy who would rather hurt himself than hurt others, I was like that. I can heal that quick, if he's willing to take a step...and he is. Hmm! Oh good, there's hope.

I'm glad I sat down to write, at least there was some point.

I am writing like this without much aim it seems too because I am determined to find out what to do, to help others. I thought it was write a book. Reveille. Wake up call, it is time to get out and vote, it's 2008. Then I thought I would throw fruit and try not to get shot, get put in prison, and manage, because I'd published, to avoid being tossed in a mental institution but instead, get real time, get some press, too, make a fuss. I am not really much of an idealist, I don't see the point of going to prison for God. I want to go to make a big fuss. Get people to think how scary it is, that someone would be put in prison for throwing fruit. Wake up call. But now, I'm wondering - am I really called to throw fruit? Maybe, there could be more for me, in my future. Or less. I'm quite serious. How can I best be of service, to the world? This is what I am thinking about. I think I am here to talk to mouse. She says, go to sleep. ... I'm a little unhappy with this answer, I wonder if I'm boring people. Maybe I'm not being taken seriously. No, she says, in sleep you will find answer. I'm wondering why she's speaking like a Kung Fu master. Next step - admit it, I'm tired out. Oh okay. phooey. I believe I do wish to throw fruit. However, perhaps I'm being a little serious tonight, afterall, it's only fruit. I'm very tired. I think I'll write a book first. However, first, I will go to sleep.

Man

2007-04-13T02:57:00.000-07:00

I met a man and I am shy to say it. I feel he's the right one. I am hoping I can get word to him that I am coming back, I think he remembers that but, I think he is not used to being admired. He is a guy who is epileptic, and was at boarding school as a child, hurt by it, not a wanted one, I think. Hurt so badly in education he is like me, intelligent but very wary of any formal teaching, for it was hell. He is into music, I learn. He is patient where I am not. He too is loving keyboard, but, I have just started - bought one, watched it a long time, touched it, loved it, gave it away to a man who became blind, and it's come back to me - but I have another, which I have left in England. I bring it back, next week. I want to talk to this man, who is so very clever, I saw it when I first met him, he looks worldly and a bit tired and sad, but is very much also not knowing how very philosophical he looks, and, maybe he is sad or ashamed of illness, I don't know if he is schizophrenic or even if he takes medication. He likes me. He left without saying anything. I want to leave him my tobacco. I will be back here May 6th, will see him again. He lives in the nearby town, is only here to the Care Farm three days a week. I want to go to a disco dance tomorrow, I just have enough money, but I won't ask him, won't find his number, almost won't go to the dance because I want to go with him, but it's for the man to ask a woman, and if I'm really interested in a man, I'm very shy, and do play the woman. All the rest is just protection, and I am no good at flirting, and I just act like a friend. Nothing without friendship. And on paper, I have fun, but in reality, I'm deeply deeply happy just to be me, and I'm not too quick, and very quiet. I'm happy. I'm so happy, I'm getting good at sharing it, even bringing others happiness. I'm so happy about this. It is a great joy to be with people, then to go away, be alone again. I want this. What do I do about this guy? Last night I didn't sleep. I'm not tired today though. I'm laughing. I had an interesting night of dreaming without sleeping, of being myself, of being aware and resting and really concentrating then talking to spirit and listening and laughing, then just being happy. I fell asleep perhaps before the roosters woke me, and now, am housecleaning, and as always here, before I know it, it's coffee break. Already I've had my three cigarettes, but maybe, I'll smoke a little dope if I really want smoke, I won't smoke a cigarette, I am sure. This guy - what to do? I miss him, I feel his presence, I want him to be happy and know I like him and know, he can enjoy missing me knowing I'll be there, but I'll take my time, no rush, this guy needs a lot of time. He has grey hair, must be my age, at least. He has a bad eye injury, was hit by a car, almost run over - but it's getting better, is just a bad bruise. He seems accident prone. He's plump. He's strong, is really a good worker, is kind, is fun, and not jealous; he was carting wood in a barrow to the furnace, many trips, while I learned how to split wood without tiring from a tall funny Belgian, Manos. I miss Hans, I keep thinking, what should I do. I will not leave a note. I will say to someone, give this tobacco to Hans, say I bequeath it to him, tell him I quit, and ask him to wish it for me. I hope I smoke with him, in spirit. But I won't say that of course. I know he can handle me, and he's interesting, a calm man, not very open, but pleasant company to anyone, maybe depressed, but loving piano and not very frightened of regular society like most mental patients are. I like the idea I can write and find my answer. And what is it - do go to the dance? Yes. But, do ask him. Oh lord. I'm scared. No, he doesn't want to go - it's not to phone him, just ask in spirit. I ask him in spirit what to do. I get wordlessly the answer - he will know, I'm coming back, he will find out. I needn't say anything. Just leave tobacco.

I must go. Continue mopping floors, then lunchtime. I'm frightened. Why am I writing so much. I think I am frightened. But I needed to write, realizing, this is part of smoking cessation - raw feeling. And, I do not really want to be quickly with a man, just to dance, and, too, I am with spirits, and they too adjust. I am also aware, I don't know this man. I do know, he is not happy that I got to know him, and that he ran. But I must not chase. Instead, I will hint. But not with words. I will just quietly, happily, look forward to returning. I am needing comfort, that I need not desire. And I do easily. And I also am happy with the relaxation I have today, that I am not only a woman that is mentally ill, as he may strongly believe he is 'just' a man with mental illness, when I know well, it is a stage of growth into far, far greater being than most know, and, who knows - perhaps, he needs time to watch, to think, to wonder, and to suffer. Personally, I don't want to. I will be confident, I have time. And time now is to laugh, and be with spirit. I am really content that I am aware of a lot, and of many, and have my favorites, and my personal spiritual world is often very active, but often, is of child life, and I like that. Personally, too, I go soon to world where parents pompously act about their lives, and want just to know that I will be home in my new surroundings, and no longer a worry to them. This is a focus for me, I will be thinking of them, often am of course always, almost all the time, as of Monday. And there's Junior.

He will be so happy, that I am not smoking. And that I've found a man. yippee! I am almost ordinary. It seems. Reality of course is my own - extraordinary, as are the best realities! but one has to maintain appearances, for the ordinary world. Ah, how lovely it is to be here, and to see kind caring ironic clever eyes in every face, and how rare. Joy. Wish you were here.

You are.

What to do

2007-04-12T11:39:00.000-07:00

There are lots of things to say, today. I'm very pleased by this wonderful community, and how I seem to fit here. I think it's home. "I wish I could say, I'm sure" is not what that means. It means, it is what I am thinking. Because it feels so good, but I don't even have time to reflect and wonder about the future not working out, it is not a consideration, it is so perfect here, I am so happy, I am working so hard, but have so much energy, and, people like me here. There is deep communication, as well, and, there are new people, children, animals, lovely plants and birds and projects and buildings, and, I find I am getting better with my Dutch, and I am also not reading or writing much at all, though in time I'm sure I'd settle down, do more. I'm here now at the end of the day just to log in, say something serious, knowing I need to continue my work, which is really about creating a better world; being serious about that, I must answer any call I feel, and I feel a call tonight - to write, on Mouse Song.

What to do. Well, I think I'll address a problem I have. It's just that I am deeply committed to my godson Steven to quit smoking. I am feeling less inclined than I have before to continue my smoking, cutting down being rather more difficult than I had anticipated but, still attractive, and, I realize it is time to make a deal, and keep it. The deal is this - 3 cigarettes tomorrow. And three the next day. But on Sunday, only two. And one Monday. I have just heard from Mary, his mother, I will have big problem if I am still smoking when I come to Amsterdam. I promised him. I must keep my promise. We agree on that, and I really want this to work. But I've never quit before. mouse is giving me the freedom, and the answer. I already found the part of me that insisted, she is three. She likes to smoke with my father. He, in his 8 year old self (when he started smoking), came to visit and smoke with me, I find, and I love that. But we have to stop.

Issue is, demands are being placed that I'm not eager to accept. I would like more time. But, I need to accept the deal I made, thinking I was doing the right thing, sure I would not be so awful as to break my promise. But I did. I remembered, recently, another little reason why it was so hard to quit smoking - I started smoking about the same time I started dieting, prior to acquiring an eating disorder, at 13. And then too, anorexic, I was very unhappy, sure that all I needed to do was get thin and then I'd be really happy, popular, a great student, life would be great. No one told me this was wrong. I was 108 pounds, I thought I was enormous. I despaired. I became bulimic, remained this way, unable to think about anything but eating, for 10 years - it was a psychic who healed me of the habit, if not the underlying misery. But thank goodness I stopped. Never got it again. On and on, I had promised daily to do better, to stop throwing up, but I'd eat again, and not be able to stop, no matter how hard I tried. And the cigarettes mask the misery beneath, which is really my longing for a boyfriend. I'm 42! Of course, what I really wanted was a happiness. One I had as a child, a best friend I loved. Although he didn't know it...but, I really thought, someday, he'll love me. And it didn't work out. Unhappiness under the smoking is healing though, as I believe I met someone today, the other day in fact, who I can cope with. I'm sure, in fact. And he can cope with me. I am very happy about it, and feel like there is a lot of time, for, he's a mentally ill guy here at de Vlierhof, and seems like he's patient, and I only know he really likes me as he goes from looking away really quickly to pointed greeting me in the morning, then we relax as I act away, and we talk and talk.

I'm pretty happy about this. But it doesn't matter - I'm happy on my own. All I need to do to stop smoking is just admit it - I love smoking. I will always love smoking. I'm just going to go somewhere else to smoke. Maybe I'll go smoke with Hans. It worked for alcohol. Why not for smoking, too? I believe this will work. And this answer comes through after a lot, a lot of consternation and confusion and worry, why am I smoking, boy do I love smoking, no I don't care, I'll just tell him I want to smoke 3 a day, but no. It's now 29 years I've been smoking. And I feel it, and I look it. Okay babes. It's time.

So anyway, I think it's best not always to indulge oneself, but also, to deny oneself and to judge a thing as bad and criticize self for loving pleasure, that's very evil, and not the answer. It doesn't create a good, not easily, not without terrible lessons of great pain, shall we say - pragmatically, it is not efficient, and I do not judge it as the better path. Better, ask to be healed, and to heal. Ask to love more, and care more. And to deal with responsibility - to others, as well as to child self, that does love things that are good to feel. And feel good. And are fun, and so much, we need fun and play, or we won't work, not well. So anyway, that's my lecture, and I got my answer - mouse told me, within these words. I will ask to go where there is smoking and someone who is troubled, and to help them, help them smoke and heal, and guide them, and I will therefore go through to where I am healed and taught to guide, for that's how it works. How could I forget. Oh good, it is going to work. I hid this from myself - I knew it worked, before, with other things I have used, or rather, abused - I hurt them, I did not ask them to be happy, I did not ask healing for the substance, as a friend said once (of smoking marijuana, that it was drug abuse - really, one should eat it) I abused substances. I need to make it up to them. I will indeed not say never about smoking, but, will smoke only when mouse says yes, about once a month at most, and only if it is in ceremony - Lakota way.

So. Sadness. Paid my dues, sometimes, got to feel it. So sad sometimes, to feel others in pain. Love people. Need to feel them. Got to get slow sometimes, to feel them. I am very quick - with people. Stimulated by them, I think quick, move fast, am excited, docs would say hypermanic - but truth is, I'm off my meds, forgot them by mistake, and think, I will stay off them - just go back on if I feel the need, and meanwhile, accumulate them, up till such time as there is no more doctor, no more society, for this time will come. Be good to have, supply, for times of crisis, and for others. Beautiful people here. Mentally ill are some of my favorites, they are so good. I love them. I'm so happy. And I feel the sadness, and I don't know why... I just feel very glad, that I feel a deep friend's sadness and joy, and also, I know, I am deeply, deeply joyous about things that can indeed come to pass, for, the times must come, the end of the pain of all on Earth is indeed near, within years and maybe just a few. We have to do our best, it may be quite a long time, but boy - I ain't having kids. I got to take care of Junior, and I want him to come here. And for him to be okay, so I need to do my best to be someone who does try very hard to demonstrate I've done my part of our bargain, and now, he has no excuse, he must try hard in school.

I know it will be, and this works, I know this works - I have faith I will have quit by Monday evening when I see Junior again. And it will not be hard, and I will not be hurting me, and I will be making him very happy, and he won't call me a 'junkie' and be ashamed. I will be very happy and at peace. And I know, though I love smoking, I will always be smiling about this problem I now have no more, always be happy about this day I begin to ask myself to withold smoke from my body, and always be glad I say today, I am quitting, though I dreaded it, and also, be very very pleased about my decision to answer the call and write, and happy as Larry about today.

yippee! mouse says, and I got say, what a great day. Happy. I am so happy, I just got to know who to thank. All, mouse says. Please show me how, says I. We go she say. yippee!

here at de Vlierhof

2007-04-09T12:30:00.000-07:00

I think I'll stay here. I mean, the whole week - and return on Sunday. But I will come back, once a month, for a week - and if I like it, I'll move here. I feel strongly I like it here. Pictures soon.

I wish I could say more. I just think I could fit in. The work is not too hard. The rent sounds high - but I can negotiate. I feel sure of that. I'm interested in the people, and Anutosh in particular (the founder, in 2002 he bought these buildings) is very kind. There is even a Care Farm here, for people with mental illness. I could fit right in!

I'd like to help, I mean. Help with that. I'm glad I will move to Utrecht, in May, that I have a chance to improve my Dutch, attending for a couple months an ROC, a community college to learn Dutch. But I'll improve, once I'm located here, too - and could even go to Nijmegan, learn Dutch at the Volksuniversiteit there, in September.

But also I want to go back to America. It was never my intention, to abandon ship. I think, I will be here first, for a good year. Then, we shall see. It depends on the elections, too - and if I need to protest more than I know now.

I am happy. And now to bed. love, Antoinette

pain and its consequences

2007-04-05T03:48:00.000-07:00

I made a bad joke, thinking that 'pain' might be a bad pun. I'm haunted by puns - generally, when I try to write on blogs. Not usually otherwise, thank goodness. But, I wasn't sure what I'd be writing about, and I'm still not sure.

mouse wants to write, though.

She says, pain is not what you think. It's what you feel. And part of you is feeling, though you may not know it. Sometimes, in a cigarette, for instance, there is healing. It is indeed healing - the pain is no longer. You are more whole. But usually, when we are cursed with addiction, it is a temporary thing, and you need to anaesthesize yourself again, because you have not healed. To quit, ask to heal. It's all it takes. And be patient. love, mouse

Oh joy. I've been rather perplexed, as I keep being sure I'm about to quit. But there is comfort here, knowing it will happen. I love to smoke - I know that if I want to smoke more than I want to quit, then I'll smoke. However, the problem has been a promise, to my godson - that I will quit. It means a great deal to me. But I'm still smoking?! this would be hurtful for him! I explained, I have anger beneath. It could come up. Indeed, it need not - if I am patient, and ask to smoke in the Peace - and in peace, knowing it will be allright. Good. More comfort. (As you can tell, different aspects of my being communicate - this is not crazy, this is right. But not all of me is knowing as much as others, and has less faith, therefore, that being knowledge. I'm pleased.) I believe, just having faith will hasten the quitting. Good!

I take a deep breath, being comforted, and more relaxed. Interesting, that. A deep sigh of relief. Yay!

intense change in thought pattern

2007-04-04T13:12:00.000-07:00

I realize I misspoke. I cannot afford to pay vast sums in carbon credit purchase. I think I will put it off till next month, as my tithe this month is accounted for. I felt the need to go public with this confession. I'm only going to pay off my carbon debt by installments, too. Let's say $20 next month. Done deal. Thank you world. And sorry.

"What God hath rot..."

2007-04-01T16:40:00.000-07:00

Today, I quit my smoking habit. I broke the addiction once, smoking only two a day for a good long time. Then I got angry, and smoking in anger (about not being able to feel welcome, after inviting friends to go out singing in inns, of all things), I really just gave up. And I got my addiction back. Well, I'm ready now. I don't feel addicted, but I've been habitual.

It is full moon. High in the sky, and lovely. A good time to quit. And I did promise godson, would quit altogether - but I caved in, knowing how I love to smoke, and did ask him if I may smoke one a month. I like that. He says okay.

Rot. It is what we do! We all rot. And it's a good thing. We release who we are, via the means of becoming earth. But, some of us are in a hurry. A cigarette is, in my view, a taste of death - and it's not so bad! We go into a trance, and then, we are hooked. It is a nice state, that in the subconscious we reach. But consciously, we feel a bit tricked, sometimes - why do I do this? My explorations in the subconscious have taught me much. One thing, I must deal with pain - in order to give up successfully tobacco. Tobacco lessens pain.

I ask it to go into the Peace. I ask please. And not just my pain. And I ask to ask in the Peace, and to ask, in the Peace, all to ask pain to heal. For that's what it is. Healing is only from heaven, only from grace. All needs to be invited, or we stay here. (Luckily, we're all invited!) It just helps, to ask from this level. We all get it better. And we all get better. Try not to curse your smoke. (Or anyone else's). love, A and mouse x

Justice

2007-03-31T16:29:00.000-07:00

Just as we are - another awful pun. We need to accept ourselves. We are the way we are because of the past. Yes - also, what could be - it affects us - especially, in the present, in the form of our fear - and our hope, and our plans, naturally, too. Vital, to focus on the cure. And what is, not what we think - or at least, ask to perceive. Truth is. And in this realm, it is too. But, maybe, we don't see why - why are things as they are? Well, they hurt. It's part of the story. And our job, is to get better - meaning healing. And our nation needs healing - I speak of US especially. We need a redeemer - to redeem us, in the eyes of the world. I wish we had a Peace Corps - with a draft. It's so wrong, that you need a college degree, to join up. Only officers should need that! Oh well. I wish we had someone, like Gore, in charge. He'd shake things up. But, I don't want him to try to fix us - he just needs to remind of who we are, and give us hope. I think, it's possible to get kids so enthusiastic, once they get away from home, that they really form a revolution, and get a real education. We need a generation to learn a lot, to give a lot, and get hooked on it. Coolness! Then, we'd really see change, in America. This current generation? They're unhappy. However, they tend not to know it, they're just nasty.

What generation? Oh, all of them, actually. Some great people out there. Yeah. But, how get them to be one in spirit? Peace Corps!!!

Military could be an option, for the really nasty. However, it should be something they go to after a certain amount of decency training, about the culture they have, and the cultures of the world. Gives them a fighting chance. Talk about hearts and minds, too! First we've got to save ours. And I guess, the Peace Corps could have that training, too. Yay! I think. Well, when I create a universe, that's what I'll do. Definitely. Maybe I already have!

Anyway, more on Justice - it proceeds from grace, or, what truth we find with love and reason. And, it is not only in the mind, but in the body. Vital to know, and we find it when we get high. High on doing the right thing. Call it endorphins, call it what you will, I call it happiness. And people will learn it - but you might have to push them, in America. Sometimes, if we don't know what makes us happiest, we desperately find answers that are short-term salves - food, sex, drugs, cigs - and dancing. : - ) However, don't damn your pleasure - ask it to go into the Peace. And if you don't understand it yet, one needs to ask to care for all, when one asks such a thing, or asks to do something in the Peace, also. Including our desires, and our fears - in fact, all feeling. Mind healing heart, this is. Or brain body, if you like. (For heart runs all through body, doesn't it? via capillaries!) And mind runs through body, or brain if you like, via nerves, and bone of back. So we are connected. Amazing.

Desire is not 'wrong', any more than money is 'evil'. It's about how it's perceived, and how used - with what intent, too. It's a misunderstanding in Buddhism that desire is only the root of all suffering. It is also the answer. Property is not 'bad' either, I don't think that's right. But one must be a good steward, or pay. But desires must be healed, and true desires held highest, and taught to be king, for, this is the only way to heal our society.

Happiness. How to get there is to try to give it away, work for that, then you find it as consequence. Surely we've pursued long enough? Can we have it, now? I hope so! We need leadership. Boy I hope I get through to this guy - hey FBI! pass it on, to Al Gore please? NSA? Is anybody out there? hello hello hello is there anybody home... I hope so for all our sakes. Mr Gore? please run xox Antoinette

acceptance speech

2007-03-29T07:23:00.000-07:00

(aka postpostscript): I forgot to mention, start with the mess you're in. Ask to accept it and make it better. But first, see that it is really okay, because Otherwise...you're in trouble, and you will not succeed in helping, but will instead try to Force people to be better. Them there dishes. And all that trash, too. You too. : - B

house-keeping, or, the devil is in the dishes

2007-03-29T06:16:00.000-07:00

Hello all

About housekeeping. Remember, as without, so within. And as within, so without. So! It's a good sign, if tidying is fun for you. You are clearing through the 'wreckage of the past', as AA members call it, and doing well. That's a pun, too! It means, in your well, you may find yourself - just kidding. You may find you are going deep within, and you will be happy there. ("You are grounded", I just heard. I think that was a joke. I think I would be naive to think it was the suggestion for the next line. I think they don't like my humor, or, are just teasing...hope hope)

Meaning it, really. If you detest housekeeping, you're in trouble. Even if you have a house-keeper. But, if you enjoy taking care of yourself, then all is well. And that's a pun. You may find all within. And that's a bad pun.

All well? geddit? oh never mind.

Anyway, it's important to notice, that dread of house-keeping indicates 'blocks' in your being you are avoiding. And, any kind of addiction, or misplaced desire - like for oil, not Love as God (I gave it away) - any kind of excessive want, indicates problems, and a need for action. Care of course is the action we want, to begin with. Take care, but care give. You will heal. It's just a question of time - when. You will not heal until you care. About without, as well as within.

When we are addicted, we become aggressive. This is true for the body, ourselves I mean, as well as the body politic. Defense is good and natural, and needs to be strong, so long as those without are unhealthy - insane, in fact - and aggressive. We need to take care of ourselves - others as individuals, as well as other countries.

Then we'll need less 'defense'. However, when our karma is not right, and we haven't done our best in the past, in fact, may have attacked others, or used them, or abused them - including drugs, including food and drink (and cigarettes) - then we still need strong defense, especially on an individual basis. And we do need teaching, on a natural level, when we have forgotten what to do, and lost our health, individually, and nationally. We need reminding, and enjoying getting better. It doesn't have to be awful.

We do find the right pace is we take it easy. Ask to forgive. And do ask to forget, but in the peace. Misplaced guilt is wrong, but, knowing we owe is right, if we do - and on this Earth we all do. So do make a pact. With all. Say you'll do your best, and you'll be aided.

The past needs healing. It is in our memory, in our 'history' (meaning, our memory as a people, and our written record), and, in the things that exist, or did. They need healing. That will heal our future. Karma is cause and effect, and is healed in the present. Ask cause and effect themselves to go into the Peace. Love, in fact - which it is. It's asking love to heal. (Remembering, All matters - pun! - and matter is All.) Who you are will heal - you'll be more you, carrying less pain, which is often other people.

Another reason to heal without - you can do a great deal, while doing the dishes. There's a pun in there. Find 'Pace' in that pact, that deal. It is with the 'devil' - the unhappy spirit in matter. Healt them. Don't just throw them out. I know it's tempting. But the devil doesn't love itself, and feels worthless - love him. So to speak. Remember you're one too. And if you don't believe you're tempting, just remember. A lot of people would like to throw you out. Just kidding. (I meant to be comforting, but I got tempted. : - ) ) Truly, ask devil to go to heaven, all of them, and we're all devil - then angel will help, for, they have forgotten they're angel. They'll be happy. It's thrilling for heaven. Heaven only wants to heal devil, but we need to ask all, or it ain't the Real Thing that answers you, for, the Real Thing is true Love, true God, true Heaven, and since it is the Real Thing, it's the Truth, which is why Reason and Love are one, and our true Higher Powers, and we more we know it and ask it to be so, and act with love and reason, the closer we get to Heaven - indeed, these are true religion, they 're-tie the knot' (re-ligio, the Latin I believe) with God, and the fallen angels get to go home, prodigals, and this is the Way.

So, if you feel that temptation to smoke, for example, as I told myself this morning, then recall that there is pain within, and maybe, that pain is something that needs to heal - perhaps, there is desire that is good that has not been felt for a while, like a desire to sing. As in my case. It's healing the child within, in pop-psychology. (I know this post has so far been mop-psychology, but they go together.) Don't give up. That's despair. As the Catholics say, it's the worst sin. And 'sin' is from 'sine', or, 'without'. (I think, anyway; at any rate, it's the Latin I recall, which ain't much.) Without God. You want to achieve, you had a childhood dream, don't give up. Heal it.

When I don't smoke, I sing a lot. And I'm happy, and I don't want to smoke. Just once in while - and I get high on the smoke, even when it's just tobacco. It's just great. I'm not telling you to give up ice-cream. But once in a while is usually enough, once you get happy doing what you like, wanted to do as a child, for instance - usually that's it, for the 'demon' within is generally just your child self, that did get to do what it wanted, when it grew up. (and remember, the child takes us to heaven for healing. So ask to heal that child self, and do have an ice-cream once in a while.) It is awful, isn't it - as kids, we adore chocolate, and candy, then when we grow up, we don't let ourselves have any. This is not right! Eat! Smoke! Drink! Yay!!! Don't be a Puritan, they're awful.

Love, A

p.s. remember, pray means ask. Don't try. Ask to do your best. Remember, try means judge, usually. But make an effort? Yes please! effort is okay. But it's nice, it's fun, it's not awful. And often, if we're tired? We're tired of doing it wrong. So just ask to do right. It does work. And then we don't have to! Take it from me! ; - )

Pace: we need it

2007-03-28T04:35:00.000-07:00

Ultimately, we all get to heaven. It's just a question of time. That's why I said, pace, to myself - I notice, in the peace, everything is good timing. And that's a pun, I guess. However! It's really easy to order things, and that's a pun too, I guess. Pace.

People often forget, pace is necessary. You have to go one step at a time. Seriously! It is about pacing - that's how I learned this, one step into the peace, and then, two step into the peace - dancing before I knew it. But! Dancing is like driving a car - it's not easy to learn, but once you know what you're doing, you're miles away. So anyway, I'm learning. I've come a long way. And all this time, all I really wanted was to heal. However! I was very, very stupid. I thought so, anyway. Truth was, I was very very intelligent in some ways, but not in others. And in the military, dancing doesn't count for much. Just kidding. That was later.

Or was it? All I did in college was dance. That's all I remember, anyway. I did a lot of drinking. And I was in love. A lot of pain, some pleasure, a lot of hell, tremendous guilt, it was terrible. And glorious - I moved out of the dormitory, onto a mountain called Monte Sol, and pitched an army tent with a tiger skin on it. I read about Alexander the Great, out loud, by a fire, with a fellow worshipper. We drank mulled wine and it was great. I moved out when he got horny. But it was a nice time. I also recall I lost a lot of belongings in my life. I think about that a lot, try to let go. ...I think I might have that backwards. Well, anyway, to make a long story short, I found AA.

I did 150-some meetings in 90 days. I loved it. They had said, do 90 in 90. If you don't like it, we'll refund your misery. However, on my 90th day, on my way to see my alcohol counselor, I decided to stop into a bar and have 4 gin and tonics. I didn't think I was an alcoholic. I went to my counselor and said, i've got to cancel, I'm drunk. She called the white coats. She told me to wait. I said, let me get a coffee. I sat there on the stoop with my coffee till the white coats came, in a van, from my half-way house. They said, 'we're taking you to detox'. I said, 'wait, let me call AA, I have to tell them I'll miss my coffee commitment'. They said No. I threw the coffee cup out the window of the driver's seat. They took me to Benedictine instead, and my 'buddy', who I talked to rather nightly as he polished his western boy boots, wrote me up for 'psychotic homicidal intoxicated', or rather, that's what he told them and that's what I got done for. They said, you better talk fast or you're going to State. I called some rehabs and finally got into one, but had to wait 3 weeks. When I got there I was in heaven, it was great. However, point is, I was labeled 'in denial' because I didn't think I was an alcoholic. So I got an extra week tacked on after I did my two weeks. I loved those people. But my friend, she was coming off morphine, she died...hard to come off morphine. But that was later. She was a White Russian. It was kind of neat. Anyway, there I was, and I managed to escape the fuckers at last - till next time. But that was a suicide. Attempt. Anyway. I decided, there's got to be a better way.

I decided to found a club, called Drunks Who Love Drunks. It was totally imaginary, or rather, I believed it, and I entertained myself. It was in a bar I called The Spirit Level. It was really touching. People were very moved when they returned. I quit drinking. Or rather, I no longer drank to excess, and I give all the credit to The Spirit Level. I really have to thank you all.

The point is. Seriously. I just discovered this again, and I think it's key. If you feel desire for anything, like an education, like a rest stop - I do this now with shopping, seeing as I'm out of cash, and like to spend money, especially on food - you can ask to go through. I mean it, you can go through to another world, other levels shall we say, of reality - just ask them to be in grace, and ask to care for everything. That really helps. And, if you really get stuck, remind yourself, pace. In the peace, I mean, you can heal. Heaven is with you, all the way. Oops. I forgot a step, I never do that, but I'm drunk. On one level! (On 'Earth', I'm simply tired and silly, I've been up all night. On coffee.) That sacred step! Ask everything to care for you. I was going to say, ask to be in the Peace, but really, what does that mean? Instead, ask to be cared for and to care for everything. We're things, you know. All things. Really. I have a pun, we're thingking. It's actually a sarcastic joke that some trees told me, but I shouldn't say that. They say, usually rightly, We're thingking! and you don't even know it. So love. It's good to love, and you'll be helped. You'll be healed sufficiently to go through, that is essential. But you have to learn, too. And you'll only go to heaven if it's more fun. Believe me it is. I have a nice time. I must go now. That rest stop isn't enough for some of us.

* oops again! I had to log on again, I suddenly realized what a doof I am, holy canoli. No, you have to ask your desires to be in a state of grace Because, you are trying to heal your heart, and you probably feel like you're not sufficient in some way, you've failed, the pressure is too great, and your ambition is overweening. I had this problem. What you do, is, you ask. You ask, and you say please, and you ask for what you want, or something better. And it can be a surprise. And you can get it on another level. Suddenly, the dishes in the sink don't look so threatening. Because you did them. The truth is, there Are other levels, there is energy that can be cleaned, and some of the most spotless houses are filthy. They're horribly angry and it's revolting, and after a while, you just don't know what to do, in fact, you often leave. Oh that's me. Well I just learned what to do! But housework is next post. Today, quickly, let me assure you, all you have to do is - um. Oh yes, I was saying, all you have to do, is you play regret-me-not. You ask others to play, in grace, and you challenge them that they won't regret you, or resent you, any more. Actually that the lure. It doesn't mean you're going away, it's just that you are going to stop regretting your failures and your unlived potential and do it! But, first on another level, it takes the pressure off, grace gets through, you feel happy, and then, suddenly, your pace is right. You are offered a challenge, you see, in grace; if you take it, that if are willing to accept the challenge that is called regret-me-not, and also, allow others to make it up to you for what they have done to you, known and unknown, and you are willing to learn your lesson (see, this is how I finally overcame my learning disability, I thought I couldn't learn), in grace, and them too, then...truly...everything gets easy. er. You forgive. Because you got even. It feels good. And justice prevails. Peace. ... mouse has an addendum: pray, tell prey! : - )

Pace!

2007-03-26T13:45:00.000-07:00

Actually what happened was, mouse signed off with, Pace! and my ego replied, or actually, my demon me, some kid self that didn't know what to reply, to all these challenges, or maybe, somebody else, I'm not Quite sure, "Pace yourself"...maybe getting fed up, with all these posts. I can only imagine how you feel. This reminds me of someone I have to write to. Excuse me.

Pace (an addendum)

2007-03-26T13:09:00.000-07:00

Pace. I was going to talk about Pace. Oh shit.

Well, I was going to talk about Pace before, like I said, but realized, oh oh...I could really improve that piece I just wrote, by tying it all together with a mention a mention of Pace at the end, and it might be funny because, I had been going to say, if I say "Pace" and you think, spaghetti sauce, you're in trouble. And now, I think spaghetti sauce, when I think Pace, and wish I had some - for my rice. So the joke's on me. (geddit??) Oh gee. See, I was going to say, Pace - now what do you think. And if you think, dancing! you're in good shape. And if you think, spaghetti sauce, or like I do, salsa, you're in bad shape. But me, if you say salsa, I think, I wish I had some, because I burned the rice. I'm in very bad shape. I didn't realize it until I started writing this piece. Because, Pace means peace. And that's supposed to be my Higher Power.

Now, may I have some money? I am selling you a nice product, and for free!! I'm crazy, right? Or, do I have something up my sleeve.

No, I would really like some money.

I ate too fast.

Pace! till next time, when more on food, love, money - and pace. yum. Rice is waiting, I must go.

(As George said to the undertaker, before getting out of bed)

on addiction and rice

2007-03-26T12:14:00.000-07:00

Pace. I wanted to write about it. But this came through instead.

Seriously, I was thinking today, I could really enjoy writing another entry - and a funny one came through, right after the last. However, I went on my bike ride, managed to score some koffie, and came away smoking a cigarette as I biked, thinking, addiction. I should write about addiction. Or did I? In fact, it wasn't like that. I'd been looking at the trees. They were felled not by wind, as last month (or was it month before? yes, it was before I went to the Franciscans), but by some people who decided they wanted to use the land they owned and turn it into some kind of 'park'. And many people who are in the community of Stoutenburg castle - who run an ecological, healing space, and hold conferences, and loan out their space (which they rent) - find it very unhappy-making indeed that the town has said, 'okay', and given planning permission (and they got European Union money for this, too) for an 'English style park', because it is rather a nice building and it is quite old. Many trees in the woods were felled, to make this 'graceful park', and we are angry. I realized, this is selfish of me - here I am feeling so strongly, and there are much worse things happening all over the world. I do however realize, I think, it's allright, to feel strongly - just, let it be in proportion - my personal feelings, no, I mean, my private concerns and the greater ones. Well, not always so true. I recognize, the whole is reflected in each instance, and one can indeed see the world in a teacup. Even in a teaspoon. And anyway, I went on my way, smoking.

I got an insight, which I wish to share. I had a moment of insight, and it was an 'aha!' and I was thankful. I understand addiction. I came home, and wrote - but, it didn't come out so eloquently as that moment gave me insight, and words then, so I realized, I need this story too.

The story is this: I got it. I want to share it. And I know I can. Our smoking habits usually retain the pain within us, that we cannot cope with, or, temporarily, may not be able to heal. And many people take cancer, rather than leave the body to attack others with whom they find fault, who may have caused a lot of harm, and yet - it doesn't solve the problem. Caring people smoke rather than attack. And often, you'll see (men usually) smokers who have quit angry, nervous, and bitter. Some never recover. I realize, it's a terrible thing. I see it all the time. I know I'm not alone. In this, I mean. (Some day I'll tell you another story.) My father, for instance, was much nicer when he smoked - I remember, he'd been smoking almost 50 years, and used to be so nice - I remember him well. I was 5 years old when he quit, and, I never saw him again.

I've been trying to get him to take up the pipe again all my life. Indeed, the other day I was in an antique store, and saw a lovely pipe. I wanted it for myself, but I thought of him...but not with much hope. He refuses to start again. But, we all wish he would - deep in our hearts. He was happier. Well, he was quite happy. I'm just so glad he still drinks whiskey. I tell him that, all the time. I am very glad he is a nice drunk, however. Nobody knows, but I know - he is a drunk.

I used to be a drunk. I was very much a drunk, and knew it - but I didn't mind. However, I learned that alcohol was much a higher power for me - I learned this in AA. (I was made to go there, by mental health professionals). I love AA. However, I decided I disagreed with AA. I believe addiction is curable, and I don't believe I'm a drunk anymore. I believe this because I don't suffer any misery of withdrawal, nor desire for a drink - though sometimes, I do fancy one, or two, but, they don't go with my medication, and I don't mind - I drink anyway.

I am happy and I have a higher power that is able to heal, and yet, it's only possible because I don't 'demonize' drink, or anyone else, that I am aware of - and if I become aware, I try to heal that judgement. Also, my higher power is one with that which is really God, and, I'm sure of it - because the healing happens. I do take medication. I am broken open, and it was hell. However! Pain is, I'm sensitive, no. Pain is. That's the reality. I slow myself down a lot with meds, to cope with this world. And yet, they are inadaquate - science is just trying out something called medication for schizophrenics, and doesn't know what it's doing, besides dumbing them and keeping them in control, usually - so, I take a speedier drug, to keep me from falling asleep, and being stupid. It helps! My whole point - don't listen to any other higher power than your own intuitive knowing. And bless the whiskey.

And how? Ask for it to be in God's grace, and to heal. And ask all to heal. Including you. Cigarettes? It's great, to smoke. And healing does occur, but - people tend to absorb pain, rather than let smoke heal them. If you curse the smoke, it will curse you back, that's the reality. And, also, people with you smoking - for, like the Natives, we all smoke with the dead, who are not always in grace - also curse, as they don't get the blessing - just the hurt, that is a taking of their pain temporarily - they are still addicted. ...I am a little amused and gratified right now, as, typing so much, I forgot my rice on the stove. It burned. And no one cursed me? I am truly blessed.

Really, I'm about to get to what I wrote about addiction, that was a prelude. I started with notes and then it channelled - like so,

On Addiction:

Hiding pain, not only. Containing, when people have so much they can't heal.

Usually, because we get so high, become more sensitive, and love so much, hearts open too much. Answer is grace. Right living and thought yes, and healing as best can (w/ prayer too to Higher Power - best Love, at least) the "wreckage of the past". Danger is, we "demonize"a gift, like alcohol, best used simply to be happy, and help. Overuse without concomitant struggle (or w/ pre-dispostition, as in genetic pain, or, pain in family) is danger, however! Recall the Promises: We shall not regret the past. This means, the drink either - or the food, or, the cigarette. It is a blessing. Love, Us.

I went on:

Pain is all around us. Sensitive people, the nicest, smartest, as well as coolest, are addicts. It's a hard world. Answer - love all. And ask to forgive. And we say, consciously or unconsciously, why? And that's real. No is also an answer, but, we ask you to take a challenge - do you want to be forgiven? Then, do notice how you may say both yes and no - for, if you are forgiven, you do want to feel free and glad...also, in truth, love. But you may not remember that. "No" means angry and in pain - we ask that to be healed into sanity, that at least can hear. For, we offer a challenge - we will make you happy. But, for that, we need you to ask to forgive, If they make it up to you. And we'll make you powerful. As well as good you. Thsi means, you'll get to work it out - teach the lesson - but, we take you to heaven, in order that you may know, Why we are offering this. It makes us happy. We miss you. Love, Us.

p.s. now I have to eat the rice

trash

2007-03-26T06:06:00.000-07:00

There's a lot of trash in this world. A lot. An awful lot. Or, is it really awful? Do we just think it's awful? For God is in everything, right? So - what does that mean? We're damning God. Let's think on this. Maybe, it would be better to consider - when we throw things out. When we think, ugh, spoilage. Horror - look at that disgusting, rotting corpse. And how it smells. I think it reminds me of somebody. Actually, remember, the Tibetans sit (or did sit, I think it's illegal now) with the dead and the disgusting trash in order to contemplate reality, and come to terms with it, and death, and all we think about it. Indeed, to heal these 'dead' things, it's best to come to terms with our minds, and note, we can heal them too. Best way, some say, to heal body is with the mind. But what made mind? We did. With body. So let's think on that. Or shall I stop preaching? Actually, maybe I better start. I have a lot to say.

Consciousness is not just human, it is much more than that, especially since (if you believe, that there is God we mean) God is omniscient, all-wise shall we say. That must mean conscious. And what of trees, are they conscious? And, is it possible we don't know? We have signs. That's recorded. Happily though, many of us (especially the best scientists) don't need machines to give them an idea, for, as we know, we made machines, and they are not as sensitive as we are - or, can be, shall we say. Maybe, they are more than we know. We don't think of them as being angry, but that's how I experience them. Quite a lot, in fact. Not so much when you see them in the street - I mean, on the side of the road, but, when they travel, when they get pissed off, as life sucks for them, a lot. How would you like it, if all your friends were chopped down? And so it is.

So, I find that it is quite possible that there are people who are not very sensitive, and that's okay. So long as they open their minds, a little bit, and ask to care - care about everyone, even mad people. : - ) Really though, what I mean is, we are not grateful, enough. I could go on gratingly about this. But truly, it's a way to happiness - the only one, in fact. Think of plastic. How we treat it. But we evolved it! It is old tree. Have you thought about that? Next time you throw out the trash, think of old tree. And in the fuel, pumping through your lovely new hybrid, give thanks - and realize, it's pretty cool but, many trees are realizing, yes - this horror consuming our lovely planet, it's us. And we helped it along, making these people. And you know what? They just want to have a good time. And they do! Plants are food, we eat them. They become us. Hmm! Trees, they're a little rough. But then, they are mostly the ones who produce earth, or soil, for our plants. Think about it! Not too much topsoil, in jungle. Ain't deciduous. Once gone, it's gone. And we're drinking coffee, and eating hamburger, and boy, we better be grateful - it's all that's left, of that beautiful tropical paradise. And it's going down the toilet. Next time you go to the toilet, just think about me. I'm right, you know. : -)

So think about something else now. Sunlight. It's lovely out. I'm going for a bike ride. I think I know where I can score some koffie! And indeed, that's excellent, as I'm broke and need the stuff, or at least, I think I do - maybe it needs me. Makes me think of Tom Robbins, I've not read the book but, hey. I'll take it - transport. Efficient, aren't we? Well - only if we have fun. And that's what this is all about. Let's have more fun, on Earth. I think it would be fun, anyway.

Chemicals. We are chemicals. It's wonderful, but some of them are in great pain, and - it's real - a lot of them cause great pain. It's a good idea to try to stop judging, things that hurt, and things that hurt others. Usually, a good way to start is to stop judging food. Enjoy yourself. For, as without, so within, and vice versa - it's indicative often of your subconscious state, of your health in fact, your sanity really, how you feel about order and mess. Enjoy the mess, and do take care of it, but enjoy also order, and you'll have harmony. That makes for a happy man. Enjoy housekeeping. You'll be a better husband this way, too! ; - )

love, mouse (& co, too)

I neglected to say...

2007-03-25T08:09:00.000-07:00

...when asking to care, do say please. And thank you. And even, sorry - it is politeness, and respect - for, the unconscious is not unconscious, you may be, however. There are others, and they listen. And they long to help. But don't command them. Also, aspects of you and other do not 'want' to do what you say, they may think - unless you think it is good for them, and that means, make them happier. It is happiness we are speaking about. And ask, and this is very important, to care for all. And ask that you care for all aspects of being, yours included, including aspects that were, and may be yet - also, that you know not of. Also, please, do ask all to care for you, as well - and to care for all, themselves. The reason for this is, if you care but do not care for all, there will be pain. And you may not know it but, we are one. Pain is separation from the whole. And damage. It is damage we seek to heal. So love your enemy, too - like pain. As well, we do ask, know that movement in evolution comes when enough of us ask to make a change - this is real, it is '100th monkey', it does happen, and also, if we allow it, possibility for greater happiness occurs, that was not there before - it only takes one person, one thought, and maybe, in Heaven, we will all move into this realm called physical to allow possibility. That is miracle. love, us (and Us!) xox

caring

2007-03-25T05:18:00.000-07:00

Asking to care means acting. It is necessary to ask to move in the right direction, which is not what you think, if you think going into pain is a result of love. Love that hurts is sometimes simply acknowledging that we were deluded, someone left us. And we feel the pain that is there already. The illusion is, we are alone. In fact, we decided to act - to get closer. In the physical reality, we may have moved away. But still, we did love, and that is better. Always ask to love more - then you recover. And it is action, to ask, and to care, and we ask you to care, which means, you may need to act on your concern, meaning, pay perhaps, or do something for others. In soul, you Will go through, to find out how. (Through, to Heaven, we mean. And we mean it - you will go through!) On Earth, it may be that you will hurt a bit, feeling that pain already there - guilt, it might feel like. 'Guilt' is a bad word in this silly world - as well as 'try'. It is a sign of moral decline, but really, it is good, to know you are responsible. You had power. You did something. Now make it right! It is possible, and it's your job. 'Trying' is necessary, but ask to know what to do. That's all for now, love, Us. x

on next thing

2007-03-24T17:04:00.000-07:00

Earlier today I kept writing, after I logged off. I wanted to tell you all what I wrote, for it's related to the previous post. Here's what I thought: Camus said, "Hell is other people". That set me off - I had more to say. I wrote,

"But in Heaven, and in grace, there's privacy too." This is vital to realize! It's just that we aren't very protected, out of grace. "Ordinary reality" is in fact very much permeated with people who are Not caring, and don't love you - this is why we have ego, to protect us. And, in grace, we still have ego. Thank goodness! But - they say, ego is bad. No, that's nonsense - it is only when 'ego' is alone, when there is no soul in grace, when we are angry and we attack, and do not try to care that ego is 'bad' - translate, harmful. So don't worry. Do seek grace, though. And that comes with asking. Asking to care, asking for healing, and asking, also, to accept love, not just to love.

I wrote too, "Asking to care works. As is the Reality that you do care - as one with us - and you are. To heal is to know truth, and to ask to know truth is to heal conscience, or awareness. And that's good. Love, do choose. We say that to all. Choose not to lie to you, or run into pain. it's not more painful, to come to Heaven. It really isn't. Just ask. You'll get better. Hugs. x"

aloneness

2007-03-24T09:00:00.000-07:00

To be lonely is to experience loneliness of others, as well. To experience the lack of grace. For, in grace, we are never lonely. Some experience presence of others, when physically alone, but, this is rare - not always to be desired, too. Can be mad, and the world is a mad place, and many spirit are mad. It is a complete dedication, to be aware of others - in spirit. If you are not dedicated to all that is, to total goodness, and the well-being of all, in your heart, in your intention, and in your mind, you will go mad. It is the only answer - mental illness can heal, but it is very hard work. This post is about being alone, and enjoying it - it just takes faith. Knowing one is not alone is often enough, can communicate to others too, for, our bodies take that comfort, that knowledge, that awareness, to others - even when we are alone. ('Alone', meaning, by one's self, physically, of course.) And if we are very troubled, grace can come, bringing comfort, and others. It is good to remember, though, if we lie, if we are responsible for having done wrong to others, tried to hide from them, or make something for oneself at the expense of others, that we are not alone, ever. In grace, we forgive - we forgive you, that is. But we make you work to have that relief, that knowledge, those others will be okay. It does take work. Many are not okay. Our work as beings on this planet is to bring others into a happy place, into a state of heaven, yes - or just okay, enough to eat, relief from pain, from disease. And if we know we're not doing enough, then guilt will come - and the desire to do something about it. In despair, thinking, I'm not doing enough, I can never do enough, nobody else does anything, and, of course the old, but there are so many - it doesn't make a difference - this, this is wrong, and you will just try to anaesthetize your feeling, your guilt. You will eat, or drink, or hide in exercise, trying to exorcise - but there is no escape. In a world of politic, the country to blame will probably become evil, as does USA. Will try to kill them all. This isn't the answer. We need to help. And maybe, we can make it up to them. But do try. 'Try', and 'guilt', in some awful decline of moral fiber, of our moral being, we have let these words have a bad rap, as if they themselves are evil things to feel, or mockable. No. Do listen, it's called conscience, and the right relation of caring, of response to conscience. Love, Us. We're with you. Always. (That's supposed to be comfort. ; - ) )

Here's the guy

2007-03-23T12:22:00.000-07:00

This is a man called Bing. I was very upset by this fellow. Not long ago. And I did pray, and I went through some changes. I'm not angry now. I see what he is, but, it's just what I thought - an angry, nasty, man - is that so? No, I see a rat. I see a very unhappy rat, and it made me sick. The napalm. The burning of flesh, the torture of children, all these things - Fallujah was revolting. And they want to glorify it. And they say they don't, it was a 'tragedy' - horseshit. Bullshit, no - pure Bushite. And I mean it, they're not 'blaming' government, it's government wants this movie made! It's the Pentagon, and it's disgusting. However, I think the man is indeed a killer, and I revolted against that. He doesn't feel for the Iraqis we invaded, thinks they're nuts, and just vermin. He sees himself. But I? Guess what. I saw myself. I saw all that horror I can't face, think I'm nice do I? When I hate so much, hate those who are horrible, so much I want to kill them? Makes a lot of sense. And I'm one, I believe people go out of body, and they work in other bodies, to effect ends they cannot, in own body - channelling, if you will. Pray your heart heals A, I say, and own my own anger and bitterness, and ask it to heal. Or I'll never heal others. It was a real point of turning tide, watershed indeed, place where I say, this won't go this way, I'll turn away - and contemplate. And I did smoke. And I don't want to. I suppress with cigarettes all that feeling, all that life, that says, I didn't want to die - and it hates. And I'm really astonished. And for the movie? Pray God they won't make it. And really, what a mistake it would be. Well, that's what I think. But I'll buy the book, and read it. I read a lot of war books. Generally Vietnam. I have bought his Village, it was a good beginning - limited only to isolated incidents, from which the man draws great big pictures, all wrong. I don't like it, but, it's good stuff if you're a young man, who is nothing but a lowly esteemed and used and hurt and anguished guy, trying hard to believe he is a good guy - yeah, horseshit. And yet, it's going to be okay - it's much better if we can show the other side, show the pain, the horror, the fact we made these people this way, and black ops incite civil war - I'm convinced, most of those 'bombings', those 'suicide bombings', are bought - it's the famous digging in to people's wounds, asking for retaliation, what's it called, oh I'm drawing a blank - an evil warfare, a kind of instigating a fracas as an excuse to wage fullon battle - it's low-level, battle-field aggressive warfare, where the whole purpose is to destroy the enemy as one people, first, by destroying the education, health, infrastructure, and self-esteem of a people, besides ruining their economy and worth of life, just so - we can build more weapons! It's got to end. I do think, the worst part is the hatred sown, which will be reaped by American civilians at home and abroad, as well as the 'enemy', the wonderful, kind and dear Muslim people we know so little about - for, the brave and desperate sons and daughters who are radicalized and terrorized into making a stand for their one remaining truth, their God, their defense, they, a few, will bomb us, and the bitterness we have sown we will reap. Thanks a lot. Thanks a lot, "Bing". You're an idiot.

I do want to see Indy, though. I will, too.

I can't stay mad at you, Harrison. But I won't watch this movie - not unless I buy a bootleg. And I will, if you make No True Glory.

interesting day

2007-03-23T06:12:00.000-07:00

I just lost my temper. I mean, I got angry. I got deeply into my temper. I'm angry at Bing West. He's disgusting. I hate his guts. Look at that face: I'll try to post it for you. I tried to write him an angry letter, telling him (via my friend I was writing to, about a petition we have up to stop his stupid propaganda about a massacre being made in Hollywood, by our favorite actor) that he's revolting and a motherfucker. Unfortunately, I don't know my smtp or whatever it's called, and couldn't get the wizard to work to send the email to him, so I had time to pray and realize, it's a bad idea to act in anger, and really, I'm not sure it isn't just that I'm making him a scapegoat, and feeling the rage inside now for a change, rage about Iraq and the massacre that continues, rage against this disgusting business, this oil mania, this horrible setup for civil war they've been duping the American public about, all because, I'm quitting smoking. I had a cigarette. I think I better cut down to two a day, before I kill someone.

Indeed, as I smoked, I thought about that saying, "If you meet the Buddha in the road, kill him". And I found myself thinking, oh! and I am permitted to kill the Buddha, how much am I permitted to kill this horror, "Bing" West? Oh dear. I'm glad I prayed.

I feel a bit better. In soul, I ripped his lungs out. And I'm pleased. Now I have a lot of work to do. Got to get everyone else, or at least, even up the karma.

I need one thing.

I need revenge.

I need to make sure, damn sure, that Harrison knows what he's doing.

And I think he does. Idiot. Stupid, fucking idiot. He's inviting terrorism, and to these shores, the dumb fuck. I will never watch another Harrison Ford movie. Idiot. I feel so sorry for him. I cannot, however, countenance this crime. This means war. The petition is at http://www.petitiononline.com/b7qrlb5/petition.html If I have any readers, please take a look - Patricia McQueeney is dead, but, he has another agent, and I hope to revive this petition, maybe, the conscience of the people is not as dead as they'd like us to believe.

I just don't know where to start. Well, I'll pray about it. Oh well. I admired him once. What a windbag.

the end of that

2007-03-22T23:40:00.000-07:00

I was really struggling, as I don't want to quit smoking. The selfish me doesn't. Enjoys it. Or did. But my godson really wants me to quit - and I promised I would. Then I smoked. I felt very bad. I prayed about it. It has been clear, I don't know my real heart's desire. For, when I smoked, I realized I wanted to quit, for him. Always I've been told, what do you want, for yourself? Well, I do want him to be proud. So I guess that's for me. Also I don't want to hurt him. And I don't want to lie. So - I will do it. But I only could, if in grace. So I think I change my heart's desire - as, I did know it, it Was to smoke 2 a day - and I did that, that was possible. I think, I must now admit - he's right, I've been a junkie. Now I feel sad. Old pain coming up. Lungs hold a lot of pain, but - it's great to get it out, if that adolescent, that truculent adolescent I was, will heal. And she will. But only, only if I can have more fun. And that's what I promise - to do my best, to have more fun. Then we'll do it, I feel my body say. Okay - we'll let go. It'll be more fun. Okay. And that's how to do it, I hope! I will report, and I confess, I do not want to say online, I smoked again. And I won't lie about it, I'll just say, I am so ashamed. However! I Really don't want to smoke, and I know that. I'm not going against my heart's desire, so - I'll be okay. I am not feeling what I felt earlier this week, which was a joke of mouse, making everyone visiting (like boy) want to vomit when they smoked with me, just to show me, he sneaks in, and smokes too - but, I do feel 'disinclined' to go out and just have my morning cigarette - instead, I'll "cleanse" - that is, I'll go through my fridge for the leftover things like fruit and vegetable juices my landlady left, as I have no money to buy food!! And because it will help me quit. shucks. Oh well, this could be a lot of fun! I ask to say grace, darn it. love, Antoinette.

friendship and commitment

2007-03-22T09:14:00.000-07:00

Many are frightened by what must be. And yet, it is the best. We need always to remember, this is the present. Future will be allright. Future is still to come, but much, our experience of the future is determined by what we feel now - about the future. Be brave, and say, I ask to heal, and I ask to do what is right - for all - and I want to help my family, and the best thing sometimes, is to do what feels right. And sometimes, it means being away from the family - and that can hurt. It is not right, all the time, just to be with favorites. The desire to help can come from desire to do what is right for self, for favorites, and for all. Ultimately, it is the same desire. If we feel conflict, it is because of fear, or something else not quite in truth - it is desire that is not for all, or truly for favorites, or best for self, but is escape. This is the truth. love, Us.

about the day and what it can bring

2007-03-21T03:52:00.000-07:00

I think we all ask life to give us what we want, if just with our desires. These are requests, from the body, and we feel them; moved by them, we hurt and we try to appease the hurt, try to heal it. This is a good thing. Sometimes, it is not what we want though that is really better. It is sometimes what we really want, but do not know, that is better. And sometimes, it's just not possible to have what we want. And sometimes, it seems, we cannot have what we need - the strongest wants. In time though, we can. And, that seems hard - if death must come first. I believe firmly though, time does not end with death, and I believe, consciousness does not either. I believe too, we must keep going - and begin where we are, to help those in pain. If we are out of pain, we are lucky - for this world is hell. And it will get worse. If we are not angels, we are devils. So we ought to ask to help. And it's the only way out of hell. If, particularly, you ask to help the devils.

Let me explain. We are all held by devil, for it is earth. Earth, matter, this is devil. It has its own life. It is wonderful. And it feels damned. But love it, and it will reward you. And try hard, to care for it. For heaven is within. And that is in body. This is real.

And, we go mad. We too become devil. We, who think we are not body. Well we are.

It is pain that makes us mad. Too much of it. And it is pain that is the yearning for wholeness, when there is injury.

Pain makes us pray. And prayer is asking, it is desire. But, people in great pain are often rescued, and they are rescued because we cannot bear the suffering. And when there are many many in terrible pain, we find ways to rescue all.

There may be purpose to this end. Maybe, Earth is over. Or maybe, just life. That's good. It's been terrible pain. It is not a failure. It is labor, creating new Earth. That is real.

I wrote earlier,

If not what I want, then something better. Please.

And this is pragmatism. Aka, making a silk purse out of a sow's ear, so to speak. Money in the purse, we hope. (A sow's ear isn't even edible!)

Regrets need healing. One can ask for healing, but ask for all. And, ask to make it right. And that we all do. Then ask for guidance, and follow conscience - your knowing. For, it is "with knowing", literally, after all.

And, the truth is what informs you - it is answer to your prayer. It is grace. It is able to be perceived, if you ask to know truth you will - your own answer, for own life.

However - how do we know when the results are in? Keep trying. It is not necessarily true a failure is irredeemable. I should know! And, while I'm laughing, I mean it.

So give thanks for the truth. And, if you must lie, then do it with style - and do it in order to help others. For, intention is everything. We all have to go to hell. It is absolutely! a place of temporary pain, for, this Earth will pass - and it's hell. However, it is able to heal us, if we are willing to ask to heal pain - for, what are 'devils' and tyrants anyway, but maddened by pain, crazy people, nasty cruel beasts, and even, vile divinely created but fallen angels, looking only for forgiveness? Understanding brings forgiveness. Healing happens, but is only from Heaven. it is truth, and, it is grace. Love, Us

p.s. It will be worth it. That's faith. Faith is knowledge. It's experience that brings it, and prayer, which is only born in pain, and is simply asking our true home and our real nature and our favorites to help us. Ask for all, if not in distress and unable to think. And all will help you. God is all.

Love

2007-03-20T09:29:00.000-07:00

Food is love. But, lots of people don't realize it. And chocolate is very good for you. Eat lots of it. However, if you work out, then you realize that chocolate is extremely good for you. Never feel guilty about chocolate. However, it is a reward. Reward yourself. Often, chocolate is a great reward. (It is necessary however to do something good first.) Like, doing something for others. After a while, it becomes a great pleasure. However, usually, us who are alive in the 'free world' (meaning, where things are not quite so inaccessable) are so guilty, having eaten so much, often without doing anything for those who don't have anything besides love (but no food), we don't enjoy our pleasures enough. And, we think of giving to others as a tax-deduction. I recommend, if you must pay taxes, do that separately - give in addition, if you can afford to. You will know, if you try to make up for the past, and not just give as you think people want you to. Usually, you are thinking of 'others' as people in church - or, your family, when you were a child. And you think, I'll let people see. Nope, it's best to please your conscience. Until you are right with the world, you won't feel sensingly the beauty of what you are doing, unless you are in grace - that grace period we spoke of, for we know, you are serious about next month's budget. Or, unless you are working very hard on other levels, and know it. And, we do mean it - many of you are. But do please the kid in you - for, demons are those who are children, and they grow into devils. Please the demon by reward and punishment - for, you are always an adult, even as a child, and do need a drink sometimes.

That's for Antoinette. We're going out. Whee! love, Us

eating

2007-03-20T03:25:00.000-07:00

Feeding is not only eating. It's giving others food. All of you!

Oxfam is good at feeding people. I don't give enough, I feel. Hmm. I ask to. If that sounds a little goody-two-shoes, well, that's okay. I did feel guilty, when I wrote it last night, meaning, I made a note, so I would remember this morning in this post. I want to be right with things. It'll make happiness. Also, it is necessary, for own happiness, which is not just a nice thing, but required for any feeling, that ought to be more than simply feeling of 'oh, oh, I'm not good' - ought to be strong desire to do all one can, when there is imbalance.

Priorities. My priority is happiness. But the lasting kind. That means for all.

Requires action. That caring which is necessary does exist, but should be conscious, much as we can make it.

Feeding is action. So is spending on carbon credits, which should be trees. That's the way to judge it - how many trees do you owe, to be planted? I need to tithe, I thought, too - I think I do a lot, on many levels, and on this level, I work a lot on healing - in trance, and out of it. However, I need to buy others' time.

I went to the movies this month, and spent on personal stuff, like my boy. My godson. I'm spoiling him, it's not right. Now, we will stop. For a while, anyway. In order to help my own, I must work hard for others - do more, or it's not right. The balance is not right. And it needs to be. For, pain that is suffered is not just guilt, it is the attack of others, who are wronged - that's real pain, and real attack. It's in soul, and it's real.

If you abuse money, if you are selfish, you abuse people. Money represents food. Food is necessary, is what people do with their kids, give them food when they have little, because they love their children. So food is love, not just in Reality, but in it's own way, it gives life. Love is life, life is love - we are all made of love, as I say - not just because sex is love, but, it is the right reality of that thing called love act - the right experience, in feeling. Food is needing to be given, and raised, in love, too - animals like steer, grass for them, and not burned forests.

What do we do, when abuse of money makes food ill? It makes us ill. Well, we ask for grace, to say thanks properly, to bless all food, and to bless us. To heal love, that it is not pain. To heal pain, really. To heal death, that is the result of pain. And brings things alive again, for the greatest love is Heaven, is happiness, is the real life. And that's where grace comes from.

So I owe. I owe some time, I owe for the time I did not give, and plant trees. I wish I could have joined a Peace Corps, instead of join the military. I wish we planted trees. I would have loved that. I figure, I owe for every year of my life, planting trees to make up for the use of energy I did not pay for, so to speak, did not buy rightly. That means about $5 a year, as I don't use much, and have little money; I have read this in grace, and the figure comes to about $210 for my life, that I will pay next month. Plus about $3 for this year.

I need to find a good carbon off-set company.

Also, I owe a bit to Amnesty International, for they need all the help they can get. And I want to give some money to Oxfam, and enjoy shopping there instead. And I'll send some money to Tom Feeley, who runs a wonderful news organ, best I know, and is non-profit, and needs money badly.

I think I will be right with the world at that point. For now, I ask for grace. Period, I note I just wrote one. Ha.

Somebody pointed that out. Somebody's listening. Oh, good. love, Antoinette

2007-03-19T10:45:00.000-07:00

Daring

2007-03-19T10:36:00.000-07:00

Difficulties of being sincere in government increase with prominence. "Selling your soul" is the word. In addition, high frequency radiation and low frequency is dangerous, and kills spirit. That too is matter. So! Run for government? It is very dangerous. But Mr Gore, please do it. You've bought back your soul.

!

situations tolerable

2007-03-19T09:31:00.000-07:00

Happy. But also concerned, and tired of being broke. And I'm only broke today, 14 days to go - already out of milk. I think I have to give thanks. Boy do I like milk.

Thanks.